this winding road

dirt?bag

2010-09-29T19:23:00.000-07:00

Today, my boss Adam challenged me that referring to someone as a d-bag on facebook was unwise. He said, “it looked like you might be saying d----bag instead of dirtbag. I think you ought to clarify.”

So, I just redid my personal goals. Let me show you – I’m going to straight up copy and paste – my governing values.

grace
integrity
humility
authenticity
generosity
flexibility
loyalty to primary relationships

I’m not going to lie, I’m a little bit embarrassed that “wisdom” or “discernment” are not on this list, but I promised I’d copy and paste directly, so there.

A few things that ARE on my list that were represented in my facebook status update are authenticity and loyalty. Here is my actual status update:

you guys don’t know this guy, but I do, and the briefest version of his history possible is that he has asked Lorie to dinner 12 times in 2010 and flaked on her 11 of those times. He has never treated her with respect, and in return, has not earned any. She’s stupid for liking him, and he’s a d-bag for treating her like that. In my book, you call a spade a spade.

And that’s what being real is. And when you’re real, you take a risk. You risk getting in trouble at work for your language. You risk being less respected if you show emotion. But you also risk building a bond with others – because someone else knows the pain of watching a friend let herself be treated like shit. I assume someone else does, anyway.

So Adam walked back to the office and I told him I’d thought about it and that this guy is both kinds of d-bag. He laughed and said, “you twentysomethings and your version of authenticity”. I think he’s suggesting that there’s a balance somewhere between articulately expressing myself and sharing my heart with the whole world (and the whole www). No. I don’t know exactly where that is yet.

2010-05-27T18:02:00.001-07:00

I made my layout with the pYzam Background Maker. The background image is the empty jam jars that Uncle Dan and I filled with Raspberry Jam last summer in Anacortes.

on bridges

2010-05-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

One of my bosses wrote a blog about a conversation we had about what I call “party ministry”. The twenty somethings at our church have frequent house parties, and great conversations are had. I posited that in that instance, I do better ministry with a beer in my hand. He’s expressed to me before that I should quit drinking. A recovering alcoholic, 20 years sober, he knows me well and speaks a lot of wisdom into my life. In the past few months, I’ve walked with my mom through her own rehabilitation from a 40 year alcohol addiction. In his article, which you should read in its entirety, he compared me to another young woman he has a lot of respect for, who admired a preacher’s use of the F-word from the pulpit. Adam told his readers,

The ability to exert your freedom in Christ, whether by language, drinking, etc is not what I see as Biblical authenticity. True, it might be the real you, but so are your all of natural desires.

There have been a lot of online conversations fueled from his blog. I don’t know what the main question is, but to me, it comes down to the bridges we build as we’re creating relationships and doing ministry. Is saucy language an appropriate bridge? Is alcohol (in moderation) an appropriate bridge? You could keep going - Is pop culture an appropriate bridge? Is social activism an appropriate bridge?

The truth is, Jesus used some pretty shady bridges, so following His example here is a little rough. His first miracle was bringing a few more barrels of wine to a wedding that already had its fair share. He rolled with an extremely tough crowd and didn’t come home at night.

This is when I have to admit, I am not Jesus. I am not sinless.

I have done some ministry in some shady places that God has blessed. And I have gone to some shady places with the intention of doing ministry and ended up blending in with the crowd more than I’m proud of.

A social setting with other twenty somethings is usually a party, a restaurant, a bar, or a coffee shop. Connect over a latte, on the dance floor, or by noticing that you drink the same kind of beer.

I’ve heard, “You’ll have a stronger witness when people ask you why you’re not drinking and you say it’s because you follow Jesus.” I say that that’s the response that will get disillusioned twentysomethings to run further from the church, from Jesus, and from the truth. In the first 100 words I’ve spoken to a stranger, I will have now offered them a potential savior who wants to take all their fun away.

My savior? My savior teaches that ultimate fun and freedom are found in Him. By checking in with Him, listening to His heart, and giving Him access to mine.

In the midst of an effed up day, I can run to my savior with tears on my face and tell him about it, without euphamisms. He understands what it’s like. And if I couldn’t drop an F-bomb to express myself, then I wouldn’t be being honest with him. This is a freedom that I want other young women (who I minister to, primarily) to know they have.

But there are parameters to freedom in order to insure that everyone’s free. I think of Cloud and Townsend and their backpack analogy of boundaries. If you take away someone else’s individual responsibility, then you are wearing your backpack (of responsibilities) and theirs. Now they have nothing, and you have twice the load that God intended. Everybody should carry his or her own backpack, and free others to carry theirs.

My mom is 107 days sober today, and she understands that her sobriety is her responsibility. At the same time, I consult the Spirit within me to decide whether it’s appropriate to expose her to certain temptations. There’s a fine balance – to life, to walking with Jesus, to living in community, and to walking in freedom and authenticity.

We’re all going to fall and stumble. Electing to hold our ministry’s regular Friday Night Gathering at El Torito and neglecting to ask our group to refrain from drinking may have seriously stumbled someone. Adam, 20 years sober, and I, very conscious of what alcohol addiction can look like, just forgot. But that’s a kink we’ll work out and plan ahead for next time.

Permit me to share the boundaries that God has helped me develop to understand when my freedom is about to send me back into chains.

The bottom line is, it’s never okay to exercise my “personal freedom” if it’s causing me or others to sin.

Which means I have to check my motives and identify danger zones.
That means, am I seeking my identity from the validation I’m getting right now? Or is telling this story an opportunity to allow the person I’m talking to to be equally vulnerable? Am I having a beer because I’m exhausted and frustrated with how the Saturday Night service went? Or do I like the taste, and want to share a pint as a genuine bridge-building opportunity?

I have to check my audience and weigh my options.
Perhaps what I’m about to share in an attempt to be authentic has some gnarly stuff in it – whether it’s harsh truth or the reality of what Jesus has pulled me through. Maybe the girl with the crantini is prime to hear my testimony, but it would be much less appropriate for her guy friends to overhear. Or if I’m out to dinner and a glass of wine sounds phenomenal, but I’m out with Christians who don’t drink at all, and although they know my preferences, it’s not worth it to make them uncomfortable, even if it wouldn’t be sin.

I don’t think drinking, swearing, what you pursue for entertainment (violent video games? Salsa dancing? Zombie movies?), can be evaluated with a cut-ax black & white judgement. I think what matters is each individual’s heart, in each individual moment.

CS Lewis writes the following in Mere Christianity:

every time you make a choice, you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into heavenly creature or a hellish creature.

And throughout scripture, that’s what God demonstrates to be His top priority. That we grow and develop into more holy individuals by yielding our hearts to Him, moment by moment. And I can do that with a beer in my hand. Sometimes.

broken for you.

2010-04-15T22:21:00.001-07:00

i served communion to my peers tonight. before i did so, i shared a snippet of the tim keller quote that's been wrenching at my heart lately, and Jesus' words to his disciples from Matthew 26.

God will not leave me alone, you guys. he is just assaulting me lately. one thing he keeps showing me is how jealous his love is. this is something i've heard and even sung about, but not understood until now. c.s. lewis is helping me understand. i'm re-reading the four loves, a fantastic journey that will destroy everything you've ever thought about love - the friendly & familial, the earthly & celestial. lewis' words are so powerful, timeless, and accurate.

[God] says nothing about guarding against earthly loves for fear we might be hurt; He says something that cracks like a whip about trampling them all under foot the moment they hold us back from following Him. -c.s. lewis, the four loves

so to the lord's table i went, tonight, carrying my new knowledge of God's jealous, furious love for me - for us - and my growing understanding of how that same love was in Christ when he chose to take the penalty for my sin. my role tonight was to stand behind the table, though, and administer the elements to the twenty-somethings at the green room.

my mighty friend, matt romero, my brother of thunder, instilled in me the intimacy of communion. it always struck me that he'd look into each of our eyes as he handed us the bread and the cup. he'd say to me, "christine, this is the body of Christ, broken for you, and the blood of Christ, shed for you." he caught me off guard, initially. talking during communion, and calling me christine? but i came so accustomed to taking communion like this, so that even now, i'm uncomfortable with the distanced, detached tray passing we do in our services the first weekend of each month.

as young adults approached the communion table, i held the matzoh out. i locked eyes with those who would let me. i spoke the names i knew. and to everyone, i said, "the body of Christ, broken for you. the blood of Christ, shed for you."

as more and more people came back, i realized the truth of my own words, beyond the tradition. i have been coming to a place of comprehending that Jesus willfully let his body be broken for me. but as i looked into the eyes of young men and women i barely knew and didn't know at all, it sunk in that he died for them. alone. each one. nick, my pumpkin, who i would die for; and the young man in a knit cap and skinny jeans, who i've never seen before tonight. were there just one soul saved by Jesus' death, he would have done it. he would have delighted to sacrifice himself - for me, for the person i know, for the person i don't know. the body of Christ, broken for you. the blood of Christ, shed for you.

a few resources:
get a copy of The Four Loves here. just buy it. and start reading it.
start listening to tim keller's sermons on your iPod or at work. just do it.

the sting of rejection

2010-04-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

I woke up with the socked-in-the-stomach feeling that accompanies rejection. This past month, I’ve been spending a few days a week with a musician I’ve known for years, with the understanding that we were both potentially interested in being more than friends but wanting to take things slow. I just decided last week that I really like him. He told me last night that he doesn’t feel the same and wants to return to being just friends.

There are a few main thoughts that come with this:

1) You know me. Pretty well. And I’m not enough? This is a classic ploy of the enemy’s – one of the things he’s constantly whispering to me, anyway (if they really know you, they won’t love you; if you stop working hard, you’ll be worthless; if you aren’t meeting someone’s needs, they’ll leave you) – they all add up to the same lie: you’re not enough. Or sometimes I hear the reverse: you’re too much.
2) You don’t want me. Dan came to the rescue* by pointing out that no matter what, knowing that another person is choosing to not be with you sucks. And it does. There’s a sting to it.

As I re-read those, I guess they’re doubts. It makes me think of something my boss (who pastors our church) said over the Easter weekend. He’s learned to doubt his doubts. And the truth is, I’ve come a long way. I’m totally allowed to hurt and feel sad for a day (sigh, my day’s almost done), but all the while, I know that these doubts are irrational. I know I’m not “too much” and I’m far from “not enough”. And I know that the musician choosing not to be with me is exactly that – a choice. He has to do what's best for him.

So that's the report. Rejection is never fun, but I'm in the midst of a great growing season, and this is just another part of it.

* He also came to the rescue by highlighting that I had looked amazing at a party the night before and he’d forgotten to mention it. 14 points for coming in with a killer compliment at a clutch moment.

why i don't eat eggs.

2010-04-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

so, this video is horrifying. and a perfect example of why the state of California voted in November of 2008 to give animals cages that were big enough for their wings to stretch out fully. not that it's a perfect system now, but this is an example of the cruelty that goes on in the egg industry.

click here to go to www.humanesociety.org & see the video --->Animal Abuse at Iowa Egg Factories

religion vs. the gospel

2010-04-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

i think this is a lifelong battle that every believer goes through. tim keller, who's sermon's inspired the blog that i took this from, talks in an amazing sermon about the struggle we have between law & grace; self-sufficiency and God-sufficiency. anyway, this excerpt really hit me this morning:

RELIGION: My self-view swings between two poles. If and when I am living up to my standards, I feel confident, but then I am prone to be proud and unsympathetic to failing people. If and when I am not living up to standards, I feel insecure and inadequate. I’m not confident. I feel like a failure.

THE GOSPEL: My self-view is not based on a view of my self as a moral achiever. In Christ I am “simul iustus et peccator”—simultaneously sinful and yet accepted in Christ. I am so bad he had to die for me and I am so loved he was glad to die for me. This leads me to deeper and deeper humility and confidence at the same time. Neither swaggering nor sniveling.

you can & must read the full entry here.

songs of the week

2010-04-04T10:01:00.000-07:00

animal by neon trees
mouthful of diamonds by phantogram
you've been so faithful by eddie james
trinity by paper tounges
blessing and honor by vicky beeching

financial peace!

2010-03-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

so, i've been in Financial Peace University for four weeks now & i've learned a ton.

a few choice lessons:

1) there are no emergencies. really? your car broke down? that's such a shame. i thought cars were supposed to last forever. you never could have expected your car to break down. there's no way you could have planned and saved some money for potential car repairs, right? and had that money working for you while it was in the bank? just think of it. same thing with things like renter's insurance and DMV fees (once a year dingers that always seem to sneak up). but really, do they? maybe we could grow up and start planning for these expenses, and stop whining.

2) it may take time to get out of debt, but the companies i owe money to do not actually own me. my obligation is to take care of myself - make sure i have somewhere to live, food to eat, a car to drive to work, and clothes on my back (and they don't have to be fancy). after that, some giving, saving, bills, and then debt. and with the committed intensity of a banshee, i will be debt free by the time i'm 30! and with the same habits, a millionaire when i'm 45? maybe! j. money at www.budgetsaresexy.com inspired me.

and my favorite quotes from the class:

when broke people say "i can afford it," they mean "i think i can afford the payments. when rich people say "i can afford it," they mean "i have the money to pay for it." - dave ramsey

"there's a great place to go when you're broke. to work." - dave ramsey's grandma

i was stoked this last week, because i had to go home and wrench away on a ton of worksheets that calculate multiple savings accounts, net worth, etc. there are some at dave ramsey's website, but i'm not into having to pay $30 a year to access forms that aren't transferrable to my iPhone. plus, i'm kind of a nerd about spreadsheets. (my favorite friend melissa would be proud).

the fifty-something women (not as spreadsheet savvy as i) in my FPU class were very jealous of my colorful finance sheets, especially the one that deliniated what i'm saving for. it has a picture of a vespa on it.

hey, if they can help you, by all means! enjoy. and the best money advice i can give you: quit spending money on stupid crap.

see & download my zero-based budget here:
http://spreadsheets.google.com/ccc?key=0AiGTzEkvMbG4dGE3VWZ5Z3JoWFdJVnMtRTFwZ2tid0E&hl=en

see & download all my other blank FPU worksheets here:
http://spreadsheets.google.com/ccc?key=0AiGTzEkvMbG4dDdvYWVVNEx0MFZBYURWSWUwelNSN2c&hl=en

2010 so far. in pictures instead of words

2010-03-26T13:43:00.000-07:00

songs of the week

2010-03-21T23:08:00.001-07:00

this technicolor phase by owl city
mess of me by switchfoot
never say never by the fray
the poison by the all-american rejects
turpentine chaser by dashboard confessional

taking responsibilty/feeling free

2010-03-12T12:03:00.000-08:00

my mother made her "amends" in AA. (am i breaking a code by telling you that?) in any event, it was pretty amazing. a huge component we've both been learning is taking responsibility for your own actions.

there's a counselor who teaches a class for the family members, and of course KF's been in her program for 14 hours a day for more than a month. specifically for the user, taking responsibilty means finding what led you to and kept you in your addiction, and the negative impact it had on yourself & others; and for the enabler [me, other close family members] identifying what behaviors supported them continuing to use, and the negative impact it had on yourself & others.

i'm now touting recovery groups for the entire world. i'm not kidding, i've learned so much.

in the past 40 days, it seems that i've matured 10 years. coming to grips with the parts of my mom's addiction that i could control, couldn't control, and the funky family dynamics of building a life around an addict have completely changed my perspective. i've let go of a lot of anger. because, in the face of addiction, there is injustice. and having the opportunity to lash out and throw words like "hate" at drugs and alcohol is remarkably freeing. (one of the fantastic assignments family members do in our group is write a letter of anger to drugs and alcohol - identifying that our user is still a human and the hate must be directed at the substances themselves. i can't tell you how cathartic that was.)

so, my mom's amends. she took responsibility for the affect her alcoholism had on me as a child, citing specific instances and examples. it was extremely powerful. she followed up with a series of commitments - to attend AA meetings regularly, stay in touch with her sponsor, and to keep her own expectations in check.

i cannot begin to explain to you how much different the woman who sat before me is from the Little Kathie i checked into rehab 40 days ago. Little Kathie was a pushover and always put herself last. her only solace, it seemed, were substances (a thought i wrote hatefully in my letter: "you were the only one there for her, drugs and alcohol. you were her faithful friend and i hate you for that. because you never led her to hope or healing or truth. you led her further down into destruction. you are a destroyer, and i hate you. but you will not claim victory over her"). Big Kathie, as she calls herself now, sat before me and identified things i never knew she realized before - the parental role reversal that happens in many alcoholic families, which took me thousands of dollars of therapy to discover - and took full responsibility.

i felt such relief. it's not that i ever considered myself at fault for her drinking. and i'm fortunate. some children who grow up in alcoholic homes believe they are at fault. but for years, too many years, i have taken the role of ensuring her okay-ness; making sure she didn't go over the edge completely. and with the changes she's made and these commitments, i feel free to let her take care of herself and to focus on taking care of my own okay-ness - an amazing consideration for a woman of 27 to make of her mother. i'd say it's time.

the primary lesson here is this: when we take responsibility of what's ours, we release others to take responsibility of what's theirs. when any human relationship suffers a power struggle or overdependency or lack of autonomy, a check needs to be made. am i dealing with what's mine right now? or am i trying to control what's yours? attempting to determine another's behavior - whether they're an addict or not - is exhausting and fruitless. at the same time, being dominated by the ebbs and flows of another's wishes, wants, and hopes will leave you person-less. as a champion for human dignity, taking responsibility is the best way to respect yourself and others, because the flip side is that you're abdicated from the responsibility of managing more than you can handle. consider that - and be free.

you need to read these blogs.

2010-03-11T13:37:00.000-08:00

you may be ignoring my blogroll but anyway i just found a bunch of new favorites.

www.budgetsaresexy.com - amazing if you're trying to do anything good in the realm of personal finance. j. money gives quick witted, spot-on advice from the same spot you're in.

www.conoscolecose.blogspot.com - my friend cindy who makes fun of everything that you think is stupid too. she needs to write more often, but hey, you need to visit more often.

www.fluentself.com/blog - havi is my hero and transparently shares through stories & lots of examples how to wrench through the stupid shit (sorry) that keeps you from being awesome at your life - creatively, relationally, professionally.

www.thestylecrusader.blogspot.com - i think the premise is that jen stalks people in oxford and london and takes pictures of what they're wearing. it's hilarious, amusing, and inspires me to dress in grey & wear belts and scarves.

that's all for now.

songs of the week

2010-03-10T12:01:00.000-08:00

last of days by a fine frenzy
how my heart behaves by feist
just dance [dj phreek remix] by lady gaga feat. akon
alice by avril lavigne
hello hurricane by switchfoot

cactus burritos

2010-03-06T10:33:00.000-08:00

when i visited the desert a few weeks ago, i ate dinner with my family at a mexican food restaraunt. i judge mexican eateries by their ability to feed me a good veggie burrito. the one on the menu here was thin on veggies, thick on dairy. wasn't going to work. i asked them what vegetables they had in the kitchen that they could throw in, and she said, "mushrooms, tomatoes, cactus..."

you had me at cactus. after hiking around all day in the fantastic borrego springs landscape, i'd come to remember the latin names of the cacti i'd studied in college. i felt intimately connected. and yes, i wanted to eat it.

i had a great burrito that night, and raved about it to friends, who, a month later, coerced me into throwing a (what's the word for dinner party, minus the stuffiness, plus extra fun?) so that they could try cactus burritos.

i had a blast researching how to cook cactus. this is the website i ended up following: he gave a step-by-step tutelage. i also made beans and rice from, like, beans and rice (not minute rice and canned beans) which was a first for me. the whole thing was delish!

i asked everyone to bring something - chips and salsa; mexican beer; gluten-free tortillas; soda pop; and, specifically to one friend whose apartment has a litter of half bottles of liquor - some tequila.

after dinner, we took a celebratory tequila shot. dan has only 2 days left of work at a miserable job and then gets to start a great internship, and i finally landed 40 hours at the church. we took our shots out of plastic cups decorated with tinkerbell and strawberry shortcake - i live with an 8 year old - and toasted to bright new beginnings.

songs of the week

2010-03-06T10:29:00.000-08:00

pressed in a book by the shins
here comes the sun by the beatles
sunday afternoon by rachel yamagata
walkin' on sunshine/halo mash up from glee
the animals were gone by damien rice

songs of the week

2010-02-28T12:11:00.001-08:00

is there a ghost by band of horses
3 by britney spears
almost lover by a fine frenzy
flightless bird, american mouth by iron & wine
the little things by colbie callait

bad habits, much?

2010-02-27T23:50:00.000-08:00

my last few dinners

thursday: buckwheat pancakes and rising moon, in bed, 10pm

friday: fake bbq ribs (delicious and vegan) & bbq potato chips, in bed, 2:15am

saturday: tater tots and broccoli, in bed, 11:45pm

my prius commercial view of work

2010-02-23T22:51:00.000-08:00

(this came from a job application i filled out a while ago.)
(i didn't get the job.)

I believe that our work is supposed to provide us with a measure of both security and fulfillment. Of course, you could say the same thing of a family or a marriage, and if you look for all your security and fulfillment in either, you'll find your life unbalanced (as you would if you looked for all of those in a job). However, I think a good vocation is an opportunity to exercise your individual gifts and abilities in a way that benefits the community and your coworkers, which is, in itself, very rewarding. In return, your employer provides you with the security of financial stability and other benefits, which beget a sense of well-being, so that when you're not working, you can feel secure and fulfilled in the rest of your (balanced) life.

(i don't remember what the question was.)

my canine roommates

2010-02-22T22:23:00.000-08:00

i have gotten used to living with dogs in the last month and a half. they are loud and they bark a lot - all three of them are less than a year and a half old. gaya is the oldest, a lab mix and just over a year. pixie is about a year old and is a jack russell terrier, and ella is a six month old pit bull mix, and they are all very energetic. one of my roommates just announced that she got into grad school and will be moving at the end of april (awesome for her!) and i realized how bummed i am to lose ella and gaya. yes, they chew up everything (everything), but i love them! they keep me company when i'm getting ready and cooking. they like tofu. they are here to greet me when i come home. anyway... i hate to admit i'm becoming a pet person, but i think this is how it happens.

(pixie and ella crowding my feet as i got ready this morning)

sobriety & real life

2010-02-17T12:48:00.000-08:00

my mom has been sober for 15 days now, and that's amazing.

it's also really hard. for both of us. clinically, everything she's going through makes perfect sense, because every addict goes through this process. suddenly, after using for years, and never really feeling the real world around you, you're sober, and the weight of all the choices you've made and the reality of what life is actually like is right in front of you. with no shield of medication, no haze of booze, no fog of opiates. it can be a living hell, and a huge stumbling block to recovery.

she's doing really well, and is surrounded by an amazing group of other people committed to their recovery, as well as some phenomenal counselors. she's learning new ways to express herself and deal with challenges. and she's confronting things for the first time, too. it's an amazing program.

at the same time, i've been attending a support group on wednesdays that has been super helpful. i sit with husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, and a few other children of addicts and alcoholics, and discuss and process how their addictions have impacted us. traditionally, our role has been to enable them, turning most of us into codependents. i find it fascinating how addiction will become the center of a family and suddenly everything will revolve around protecting the addict - from shame, from death, from punishment. i'm learning how to take better care of myself - we all are - and to let the addicts in our lives encounter the consequences of their own decisions, positive or negative.

chocolate

2010-02-15T12:37:00.000-08:00

so i don't really crave sweets, since most cookies and baked goods are loaded with milk and eggs and i don't eat them, but from time to time, i do want chocolate. and shoot, it was just valentine's day, and i did get some chocolate that i joyfully gave away, because milk chocolate comes from cows. so i picked through the chocolate aisle at target until i found this delicious treasure, made with unsweetened chocolate, sugar, cocoa butter & soy lecithin. ghiradelli's intense dark twilight delight. i got the little squares and they're perfect.

my valentines

2010-02-14T23:13:00.000-08:00

amazing + huge card from our preschool

cutest cups ever at starbucks

& a soy decaf vegan mocha with a hot chick who ditched her valentine for me

songs of the week

2010-02-12T13:21:00.000-08:00

poppy by zee avi
sing my love by hillsong united
more than a feeling by boston
how the day sounds by greg laswell
popular by the veronicas

pink rain boots/one love

2010-02-07T00:02:00.000-08:00

we are one/but we're not the same/we've got to carry each other/carry each other

i wore my pink rain boots today. the ones you told me not to buy.

we were in the department store trying to find snow boots, and i found rain boots. and i live in a city of sunshine, and grew up in a state of bliss, and you live in a world of destruction and an empire of chaos, and so, understandably, you, as a protector and provider and controller, were trying to outfit my feet properly. you wanted me to have snow boots.

i found pink rain boots. they were ten dollars. and pink. and i wanted them. you told me not to buy them. i said that if i wore two pairs of socks i bet i'd be warm enough, and plus, at least i'd be able to wear them back home when it rained. your sister agreed that they were adorable. your brother-in-law to be could see how much i wanted them. i didn't even dare point out that it was my money.

i did end up buying horribly ugly grey puffy snow boots, too, which the brother-in-law-to-be (yours, not mine, now, never mine - although he is a good man, it has turned out, you are not the right man) waterproofed until my feet stayed very comfortable in the snow. but they were ugly.

my pink rain boots, on the other hand, are adorable. i got approximately 34 compliments on them today. "i don't get to wear them often around here, but i love when i get to!" is what i said each time someone commented on them. my mother made me promise to bring some to her next time i come to visit her in rehab.

i'm so glad i bought them. they're perfect. the pink is such a contrast to a rainy day. they give me courage to step in puddles. i'm not weary of having cold, wet ankles. and they brighten other people's day - even, as i discovered today, heroin and oxycodone addicts.

one love/we get to share it/leaves you baby if you/don't care for it

songs of the week

2010-02-05T00:18:00.000-08:00

one by U2
ghost of a good thing by dashboard confessional
where the story ends by the fray
don't mean a thing by death cab for cutie
starting now by ingrid michaelson

set free

2010-02-04T00:22:00.000-08:00

the end of an era! is there a sport that you truly dislike, and then one that you really love? it feels like that... like one season ended... i tend to prefer baseball over football, let's say, so it's like the super bowl's over and it's opening day?

(i can't think of a great analogy but that's sort of how i'm feeling. like i just finished up something treacherous and am entering into, sighhh... freedom.)

it's like, summer. in february.

chemical dependency unit, how can i help you?

2010-02-02T00:29:00.000-08:00

so, the wierdest thing happened. i checked my mom into rehab today.

i haven't referred to my mother as an alcoholic often, but the truth is, that's what she is. talking to the intake counselors today, i was astounded to hear her answers. yes, i knew she drank almost every day. yes, i knew she started earlier in the day than most people did. yes, i knew she drank alone. yes, i knew she didn't drink standard beverages (i'm not sure that's a criteria but it's weird and was a mark against her in my book, and this is my blog so deal with it). but when she answered thier questions candidly and i heard for the first time how much she was drinking, and what, and realized that she'd been drinking for 40 years, it occurred to me that she's lucky to be alive.

she's getting help. finally. my mom's enrolled in a program, living with other people committed to sobriety, some way worse off than she is, and absolutely dedicated to turning her life around. that's her promise, at least. you can pray for her.

respect

2010-01-24T13:21:00.000-08:00

absolutely loved this thought from my cousin heather:

Let's encourage our children to appreciate differences. Model for them acceptance. Teach them to admire the beauty of their own & other's imperfect perfections. Be their example, and set the standard high, because qualities such as acceptance, empathy, appreciation & respect seem to be wasting away while judgment, ...disrespect, gossip, material adoration, neglect & selfishness are suffocating our planet.

this was a primary conflict in the relationship i just got out of. embedded in the humor of my former gentleman friend were less-than-dignifying references to women and people of other ethnic dissents. this bothered me to no end, because i recognize how many people have fought and died to end this type of injustice (including Christ Himself). the cycle of disrespect for fellow humans has lasted too many generations and it's our responsibility to have it stop here, with us.

Father Thomas Hopko's 55 Maxims

2010-01-18T20:12:00.000-08:00

So, my life-hero, Jonalyn Fincher (what?! you don't know who she is?! stop NOW, read Ruby Slippers, & go read her blog) had this as her Facebook status today: On walk with Dale I remember Thomas Hopko's quote, "Adam cannot be the image and glory of God without Eve." Yes, even 34 weeks pregnant! I didn't know who Hopko was, but really liked where his head was at on that, because I agree with Jonalyn that man and woman together make a complete picture of the image of God. I wanted to know more of what he had to say.

Turns out he's a big deal! Check out his wikipedia... smart guy... and I just adore this list, borrowed from this guy's Nadir's blog.

Father Thomas Hopko's
55 Maxims

What are the basic elements of a victorious Christian life?

In response to a request, the Rev. Fr. Thomas Hopko, Dean Emeritus of St. Vladimir's Theological Seminary, prepared a list of 55 Maxims for Christian Living.

Back in March, he read and discussed this list in the podcast Speaking the Truth in Love:

1. Be always with Christ.

2. Pray as you can, not as you want.

3. Have a keepable rule of prayer that you do by discipline.

4. Say the Lord’s Prayer several times a day.

5. Have a short prayer that you constantly repeat when your mind is not occupied with other things.

6. Make some prostrations when you pray.

7. Eat good foods in moderation.

8. Keep the Church’s fasting rules.

9. Spend some time in silence every day.

10. Do acts of mercy in secret.

11. Go to liturgical services regularly.

12. Go to confession and communion regularly.

13. Do not engage intrusive thoughts and feelings. Cut them off at the start.

14. Reveal all your thoughts and feelings regularly to a trusted person.

15. Read the scriptures regularly.

16. Read good books a little at a time.

17. Cultivate communion with the saints.

18. Be an ordinary person.

19. Be polite with everyone.

20. Maintain cleanliness and order in your home.

21. Have a healthy, wholesome hobby.

22. Exercise regularly.

23. Live a day, and a part of a day, at a time.

24. Be totally honest, first of all, with yourself.

25. Be faithful in little things.

26. Do your work, and then forget it.

27. Do the most difficult and painful things first.

28. Face reality.

29. Be grateful in all things.

30. Be cheerful.

31. Be simple, hidden, quiet and small.

32. Never bring attention to yourself.

33. Listen when people talk to you.

34. Be awake and be attentive.

35. Think and talk about things no more than necessary.

36. Speak simply, clearly, firmly and directly.

37. Flee imagination, analysis, figuring things out.

38. Flee carnal, sexual things at their first appearance.

39. Don’t complain, mumble, murmur or whine.

40. Don’t compare yourself with anyone.

41. Don’t seek or expect praise or pity from anyone.

42. We don’t judge anyone for anything.

43. Don’t try to convince anyone of anything.

44. Don’t defend or justify yourself.

45. Be defined and bound by God alone.

46. Accept criticism gratefully but test it critically.

47. Give advice to others only when asked or obligated to do so.

48. Do nothing for anyone that they can and should do for themselves.

49. Have a daily schedule of activities, avoiding whim and caprice.

50. Be merciful with yourself and with others.

51. Have no expectations except to be fiercely tempted to your last breath.

52. Focus exclusively on God and light, not on sin and darkness.

53. Endure the trial of yourself and your own faults and sins peacefully, serenely, because you know that God’s mercy is greater than your wretchedness.

54. When you fall, get up immediately and start over.

55. Get help when you need it, without fear and without shame.

longing

2010-01-17T21:19:00.000-08:00

Randomly, a theme for our next Women’s Retreat just popped into my head, because I recently read Brennan Manning’s The Furious Longing of God and am currently reading Ruth Haley Barton (I just adore her)’s Longing for More: a Woman’s Path to Spiritual Transformation in Christ and after Mark’s first identifying characteristic in his message this weekend for defending the Gospel was longing. It’s so universal, but I think it gets us especially as women, because it makes us feel weak. Of course, when we’re weak with longing, we’re reflecting God’s image, because there’s a part of Him that longs for us, too. And then, to think of all the things we chase after to try to satisfy the longing when of course, the only thing that can fulfill it is God Himself. It’s the same message, it always is, isn’t it? (When I taught elementary school, during Bible lessons, my first graders would arbitrarily answer “Jesus” to everything because they figured out that 9 times out of 10, Jesus was the answer. I started getting trickier after a while.) But it’s so simple. The answer is always the same. But simple and easy are not synonymous - it would be easier to satisfy myself with power and materials and sex and affirmation and substances. To be happy with the ways of the world would be a stroll on the beach. Instead (masochist), I have decided to follow Jesus, who does not stroll on beaches but walks through fire. For fun. Because you’re a better you when you come out the other side. The thing is, my longing? It’s better aimed in one direction. His. Because He doesn’t change, He affirms my longing, and longs for me, as well.

humility. dignity. money. & not grinding my teeth

2009-11-13T09:05:00.000-08:00

(some of my favorite things i've ever written have come out on napkins, or, like this one, on the "notes" of my iphone. i typed this in the waiting room of my dentist's office just before i left for my roadtrip 5 months ago, and just found it. i was struggling with what humility and dignity looked like at that point, and this is what God taught me that day. it totally shows, very viscerally, very vulnerably, where i was at, but i think it's worth sharing.)

money: I am so glad God is bigger than my bank account. Well, of course he’s bigger than my bank account, because my bank account is minuscule (often negative), and so even a crayon is bigger than that. But He’s bigger than my bank account is small. He’s big enough to make it stretch. I’m so grateful for that. I have definitely decided that I always want to be a little bit desperate for him. That’s a scary prayer, but I never want to be complacent. I know that for a fact. I think I might be praying to always be a democrat, but anyway, I never want to have enough money. I always want to have to ask Jesus for help. That’s horrifying. But it’s true. I don’t know that I can trust myself to not rest on my laurels. I got really judgmental last week of some televangelists who have an airport named after them (they actually named their ministry after themselves), and I’m just going, whaaa? How can you be reliant upon God if you have that much money? And – this is one awesome thing that Mark’s taught me – everything comes at a price. Even my NTI today. I was a little afraid I might have to go on a date with the Dentist after he gave me a free $500 dental appliance. I don’t want there to be a price. I want God to give. I want him to provide. I want to be desperate for him, I want to need him, because I know he’ll provide. Damn. There’s dignity. There’s humility. I know I’m nothing without Him but I know he won’t leave me empty handed.

church secretaries run the world

2009-11-12T21:02:00.001-08:00

i walked into the bar like i knew what i was doing and after 20 steps i realized that was a mistake.

my friends weren't anywhere to be seen. this local hangout, one of the nicer places in town, was a sausage-fest (pardon me), and had no table full of thirty-to-forty-something women, which is precisely who i'd come looking for. not just any table, but a specific table.

the hostess spotted my concern. "can i help you?" i told her that the girls from work said we'd be meeting in the bar for happy hour. "have you seen a table full of church secretaries?" i asked her. she shook her head slowly and offered me a walk around. after a perimeter's stroll i noticed them outside the window. outside? it's freezing. but there they were, perched under a heater.

i told them about how i'd asked for them and jayne said she hates that word. "secretaries."

sandy runs the front desk at the church, and karyn processes all the payroll. jenete does the check requests and purchasing and harleen runs the bookstore and manages the hospitality teams. yvette keeps marriage and family ministry, ministering arts & mars hill in line, and jayne takes care of those in need and seeking help through benevolence and organizes memorial services.

obviously, nobody here's a secretary.

cold breaths, positive thoughts

2009-11-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

so i'm starting to get used to this feeling like my insides are going to explode out of my chest. and i think it just means that i'm really, really happy.

it's starting to get cold at nights in encinitas. like, pretty cold. two blankets, full-on pajamas & socks - cold.

sometimes letting yourself be happy is almost as awkward as letting yourself be cold. there's a bit of a fight i keep putting up - trying to pull blankets over & zip up protective coats. i'm just trying to take in deep breaths of the cold, crisp, fall-almost-winter "i deserve to be happy" air, one at a time, telling myself, "this is not about you, Stine. this is about God. He's good to you. you can rest in this." i'm believing it a little more with each one.

songs of the week

2009-10-30T11:47:00.001-07:00

more than a feeling - boston
my love - justin timberlake featuring T.I. & timbaland
built to last - tom petty & the heart breakers
what we talked about - old 97's
fumblin' - fergie

2009-10-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

there's sand all over my bedroom. there's sand everywhere.

which is funny, because until a few weeks ago, i never went to the beach. i've lived in north county for the past four years, always within a mile of the ocean, but i've never spent much time on the shore. until now.

we end up at the beach. that's what we do. it's a safe zone. neutral territory. public property (which lends to safety of one kind - protecting me, in a sense, from myself). government property (which sets me at ease for other reasons).

but safety, comfort, common ground - that's why we end up at the beach. five times every week.

"this is what this season is like," i say, rubbing my jaw, because it aches. i've been smiling non-stop since i started spending time with him a few weeks ago. and when i'm not with him, i'm talking about him. it's taking its toll on me, physically. "i don't think we'll always be this ridiculous." and ridiculous, it is. he steers and changes gears with his left hand while his right hand calmly engulfs both of mine. after i tried to drive us somewhere once, we abandoned that idea, because i nearly killed us. i couldn't keep my eyes on the road.

so this is where we are. this is where i am. learning how to do life... without jenni (minus one), with caleb (plus one). in the midst of it, the Lord's teaching me that He's my protector, provider & the one who ultimately surrounds me and ensures that i'm not alone - an amazing lesson to be learning, because with my weak heart, i definately have a propensity to be swayed by this one's protective nature and just lose myself in this. God's grace and timing are honestly so amazing in teaching me extra lessons about His character just in time for me to keep focused on Him. in all of this, our ultimate goal is to honor Him above all & to love the Giver more than the gift.

i can't get this song out of my head.

2009-10-25T13:29:00.000-07:00

the rocketswing

2009-10-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

the details are sketchy, but it's a 2x4 that's maybe a foot and a half wide, and it hangs on a rope that's maybe 50 feet down from a tree that's maybe a eucalyptus tree.

it definately swings over a little gulch, can certainly hold your body weight, you for sure want to lean to the left to avoid coming back and hitting the tree stump, and it's absolutely more fun when you jump into your swing and don't just fall.

it's the rocketswing, and it's one of a few things that didn't exist in my world until just recently, but are threatening to shake things up. this makeshift rope swing, amongst other goings-on, has me shaking my head, laughing, and smiling, and asking, "what the hell am i doing?". have you ever felt half insane, and half more-sane-than-you've-ever-felt-before? without any good reason not to jump up on the tree stump that could quite possibly break my ankle, i guess it's my turn again, but i know i'll have a split second fear when my hands first grip the rope. it goes away once i'm flying, though.

songs of the week

2009-10-15T23:31:00.000-07:00

the ocean - sunny day real estate
i like me (feat. D.A. T.R.U.T.H) - kirk franklin
collect call - metric
your rocky spine - great lake swimmers
slowness - calexico

adjustment period

2009-10-12T20:19:00.000-07:00

i promised myself that i would create something today, since i had the day off, but i don't even know where to start.

my new room needs curtains, but i don't have my sewing machine. i have a painting in my head and heart, and i have a canvas, but it's dark out now and the easel's in the garage. hmmm. restrained by circumstances.

i want to do it all at once. i finally have some time. i want to do it all at once. i'm overwhelmed.

and i'm tired. i've been working so much -- too much. not too many hours, necessarily. i'm young, i can handle 50, 60 hour work weeks. but not having a day off? that's not okay. not having a day off for a few weeks in a row? extra awful.

but things they are a' changing. all over the place, it seems. jenni's gone, i'm settled into my new digs, i've cut back my workload and will now have a whole day off, consistently (thursdays - how random, but still).

so, deep breath, i'm giving myself grace, and time to adjust to all of this. 'cause there's a whole lot of it that i'm not used to.

life changes, everything changes.

2009-09-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

so here it is. i knew Jesus was up to something.

i've seriously been praying for a breakthrough in two areas:
1) finances
2) adulthood

and i wasn't sure how He was going to make it happen. honestly, i get in the way. (i'm not the only one, i know you feel me on getting-in-the-way-of-your-own-growth.) i want to bust out of the bondage of my debt, and i want to grow beyond the simplicity of adolescence, but i seem to keep getting tripped up by the same patterns.

and there are things we hold onto. ahem, (i'm clearing my throat), people. relationships. y'all know what i mean.

jenni's moving to illinois. she got this amazing promotion - outside sales - and she's going to be able to be much closer to her family in iowa, it's a huge salary increase, she gets a company car, and her goal was always to move to outside sales, and she's made it there, at 26. that's phenomenal and i could not be more proud of her.

but she's leaving me.

she's my person.

and this is just earth-shattering. i can't even begin to get my head around the reality of it. who'm i going to debrief with? every saturday night? no more drunkenly belting 80's ballads while driving north on the 5? (okay, she was never drunk, and i rarely was, but the concept was called 'drunken harmonies' because of its origin.) seriously, who will defend the cattle farmers of america? who's going to laugh endearingly when, on beach cruiser rides to the ocean, i yell "that's inappropriate!" to the men who catcall?

at the same time, i've been thinking lately that i'm evolving. i'm not the same as i was when i moved to north county 4 years ago. jenni and i met in a bible study about 6 months after i arrived, when she first came out from iowa. and there are some times with friends, even with friends who love you and want the best for you, when you're stuck in the frame of who they think you are. (i feel like this was addressed really well - and super comically - on an episode of "how i met your mother" with lily and her high schol best friend.) i think there are some grown-up parts of me that are ready to emerge that i may have been reluctant to let flourish, out of fear for how they'd affect our friendship. so, with this new change, this new distance, will come new challenges and new growth space for me.

also, the opportunity to move somewhere less expensive is a super fine bonus. i love our place so much, but it won't be the same without her, and it's not worth the expense! i'd rather save some money & stress.

altogether, huge shock. this is going to be a crazy month of processing, grieving, packing, moving, and branching out, for both of us. but i think good things are coming.

dangerously tired

2009-08-31T10:49:00.000-07:00

this "working 50 hours a week thing" is starting to get to me, i'm not gonna lie.

i think everyone needs to hunt down Ruth Haley Barton's message she preached at Mars Hill Bible Church on taking a Sabbath. it really got to me. i listened to it as i cleaned my bathroom recently and i'm so convinced now that i need to be taking dedicated time to rest. she uses the term "dangerously tired," and you know that feeling when you're just emotionally and physically exhausted? that's it.

looking for hope on the horizon.

a beautiful getaway

2009-08-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

what i really needed to do today was go home and take a nap.

after yesterday's wedding, i worked all morning at the church (happy bday, abby!) and then i returned to the church later to run the (awesome!) evening service and then went to the store for a floorset until 12:30am, and then worked the whole next day at church. i know. absurd amounts of working. not okay.

so i should have taken the 4 hours off and slept. but i called jenni and said, "put on your bathing suit, we're going to the beach." and we did. we rode our bikes, grabbed sandwiches, layed on the sand, played in the ocean, got a little sun, and just chilled. it was fantastic. i wish i could say i wasn't thinking about work or what time it was, (i did), but still, it was a perfect mid-afternoon break amidst all the hustle.

a beautiful getaway, even if just for a few hours. and i sat on the sand with rooms, i didn't say it, but i thought, next weekend we'll be at forest home (a whole weekend off for me. i literally am a little scared that i won't know what to do with myself.) and what if she gets this outside sales job? it's down to her and 2 other people. it could really happen. and she'd move away from the beach. so i was glad i got her down to the seaside, just in case it was our last chance. and then i shook the thought out of my head.

sweet relief.

2009-08-25T17:55:00.001-07:00

i just need to say, you will not believe how much better i felt today.

it's cyclical... life, finances, this biological machine, the earth's orbit, the whole thing. i've been working for 8 hours so far (i'm typing from my cubicle at the church right now) and i have a few more to go, but i can't even begin to say how much brighter the world looks when it's through the clear lens of no migraine headache.

plus, i told a few people what a bad day i'd had yesterday. and such good friends- they said, "why didn't you call yesterday?" i admitted, "i'm scared. i haven't always had the best experiences letting others into my messy-ness." but if you can't do that, why have friends?

anyway, Jesus is walking through this, with me. my headaches are surely not gone forever, and i have not won the lottery or gotten a promotion (although i commented to the receptionist at the church that when she delivered my brand new stapler it sort of felt like a promotion), so i'm still feeling low-octane, for sure. but my vision's clearer.

throwing paint

2009-08-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

i made a list today of all the reasons my life is falling apart.

if you are in the midst of a horrible pity party/crying fit/hormonal migraine fest, it might sound like the least healthy thing in the world (which is what the rational part of my brain kept telling me as i wrote), but it was very cathartic.

the optimist in me (fighter, she is) wanted to write antidotes to every statement. but i wouldn't let myself. i insisted that the list could only be bad. this is a list of bad, awful things.

what i wanted to do was paint. i wanted a canvas and i wanted to throw paintballs at Jesus. i'm frustrated, i'm confused, and when i start to feel this way, the darkness of my past creeps up to whisper that i might have been forgotten about. the ever expanding list that i have is overwhelming. i feel like the number of problems i have is ridiculous, and every one of them seems like something nobody's ever been through, and if i were to share my problems with anyone, i'd just be talking about myself, forever. and i just love Jesus because i know He wants me to throw sponges full of paint at a canvas and pretend it's Him, every one an item from my list, a prayer, a plea.

(i'm thinking, when i say that, of the white witch again - who threw that busted up wrought iron lamppost at Aslan's face, trying to kill him. you remember that what happened next is that it bounced off Aslan's forehead, fell into the Narnian snow, and grew into a far more beautiful lamppost than it had been before. that's a perfect picture of God's redemptive power.)

i realize that this list belongs to God, and that He cares about every single thing on it, and that He has a plan of how to work it all out - from how i'm going to make sure i'm getting enough nutrients from a plant-based diet (a serious concern, considering my migraine medication causes me to forget to eat for much of the day) to how i'm supposed to balance my work schedules, since i'm trying to earn serious credibility at one workplace while hanging by my teeth, running from job to job in order to keep gas in the car and groceries in the fridge.

so, thinking of my list - each item a sponge full of paint - like a lamppost- i want to throw it in Jesus' face and see what His redemption can turn it into. take my migraines, Lord. what can you grow that into? my financial brokenness?

i know He's up to something, and i'm really trusting in Him in the midst of this. for me, trusting involves throwing paint.

songs of the week

2009-08-21T22:21:00.000-07:00

help i'm alive by metric
i have found as played by beejay baclawski ondera
open your eyes by snow patrol
smooth by santana
don't mean a thing by death cab for cutie

wednesday

2009-08-19T23:07:00.000-07:00

my cousin jessy and aunt jean came to visit me and we had a delightful time shopping at my store and eating at olive garden. i love wednesday afternoons off.

my awful personal trainer

2009-08-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

i told jenni i hated her.

i didn't mean it, and she knew it. but i kept repeating, "you are an awful, awful human being," as i lifted the 8 pound weights above my head, perched on top of a half of a balance ball, staring at myself in a mirror that cast my reflection wide into the rest of the gym, seemingly so the everyone could stare at my weakness. a reverse strong-man show. and it hurt.

when she was in college, earning her kinesiology degree, she was a personal trainer, and now, as she's still healing from her back surgery, she's still getting some pretty hardcore physical therapy, so that moment? when you're at the gym thinking of the exercise section of SELF magazine and wishing you remembered what some of them were? she remembers what all of them are. and she makes you do them. and it's wretched.

"i hate you. i am going to fall and die." i squatted into a plie with a ball pressed between me and the wall, weights in my hand. "fifteen," i said victoriously, when i finally finished. she told me i could rest but i couldn't move.

our last torturous undertaking was this ab exercise with a ball that i just couldn't do. my lower abs, i explained, won't let my feet hover at that angle. how do i make them stronger? i was lying on the mat at this point, convinced i'd never rise again. she stood with her feet next to my head and said, "grab my ankles and put your feet up here. don't let your feet touch the ground." she started throwing my feet at the ground and i had to use my lower abs to resist. it was heinous! and she didn't just throw my feet straight - they went to the side and crooked and diagonal.

i made a full committment to never go to the gym with her again.

so then i'm up grabbing coffee this morning when i realize an unfamiliar feeling. my back doesn't hurt. all that core we did really worked! i look in the mirror and see that my shoulders are sitting much further back than usual (they're generally hunched next to my ears) and that i'm standing up straight. and i decided to maybe give it another shot.

playing favorites, profanely.

2009-08-10T22:18:00.000-07:00

church was amazing this weekend. sunday night, particularly, was a great example of why i love my job so much. i clicked through the power point adjustments i had to make and wrestled with my robe AT 250 color spot (lights) as the band sound checked, and they sounded so tight and amazing. it's lovely when sunday night comes around, and the volume gets to come up, the lights get to dim down, and my friends all flood in the doors. i know you're not supposed to have a favorite service. but i do.

after church was done, i connected with the high school kid that i know the best. funny thing is, i don't really know him. i know his mom. she's my queen volunteer, my superhero. and he was at the lake with rory last week, and his mom shared with me that he's been having a rough time, so my heart's been hurting for him. and for some reason, when i stopped to grab his arm, give him a squeeze, all sorts of teenage angst flooded out. i didn't really know (i don't really know) what to do with that kind of 16-year-old emoting - it's all hormonal and kind of fungusy - reminded me of a tornado. poor little soul, trapped in the body of a young man 3 inches taller than me, who i could probably wrestle to the ground. so much contradiction, wrapped up, so tightly.

not sure what came over me, but i decided to tell him the story of my 'profanity painting.' (i decided to give the story its own entry.) listening to him for 10 minutes, which doesn't come naturally to me, and then doing a little bit of talking, saying the f-word in church for theraputic purposes - all of these things are a bit out of the norm for me, but it was good stretching and you could tell that the kid just needed to get a little bit out, you know?

He can handle my language.

2009-08-08T22:48:00.000-07:00

one frustrating day, at least a year ago, i was very pissed off, and was walking around with my head down, and lost my keys, had been late for work, overdrawn my bank account, gotten into an argument with someone, and just generally kept doing really stupid things. i continued saying the f-word throughout the day, under my breath, in the direction of the ground. at some point, i realized i was saying it enough that if you were to listen closely it nearly sounded like a duck, quacking.

obviously, i needed to change my attitude, but i really thought, i brought on these situations myself. or did i? i don't know. i don't care. i'm just so mad, so frustrated, so hurt, and i don't have anyone to help me. (this is a cycle that i have an unfortunate habit of getting myself into. i'm getting better.)

at that point, it was like i heard the Lord whisper to me, "tell me about it." and i know that's the Holy Spirit's role- to make us aware of God's presence, so i honestly believe that He was there, coaxing me to usher my profanities heavenward. i knew all i had in me was the same swear word i'd been uttering towards the ground, so i was really nervous to open my mouth. "i can handle it," He seemed to say. "i've heard it before." so, different posture, i lifted my chin, opened my hands, and said to the sky, now as a prayer, a long, drawn out, "fuuuuuuuckk." and i sensed God's comfort, assuring me, "i know. i've been there, too. it's okay."

i made this painting at the end of that day. it was really a turning point for me, spiritually, and shoved me into the holistic, visceral view of my faith that i hope will characterize the rest of my life.

defeat/victory

2009-08-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

it's just been a wierd week. i lost a friend and a teammate this week. a coworker, a - how do you describe rory? a great guy. he died tragically, doing what he loved. went out in flames, way too young. it's so, so awful, and so, so sad. my heart's aching for his family, for the lives he impacted, and perhaps mostly, for those who were with him at the end.

maybe it was because most of us are still processing rory's death, but we went to a party at our friend's house last night, and everything felt off. it could have also begun in my head, (and later, out of my mouth, and even later, out of the car speakers) when i started thinking (and then singing, and then playing) "if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it." oh, beyonce. oh, stine. oh, living in the past.

everything was so off, in fact, that i left. i walked in my cute shirt and leggings (i wore leggings. in public.) over to, sigh, i don't want to talk about it, but i left the party. it just didn't feel right. there was something in me feeling very contentious. or contended-with. i'm not sure which. so i fled. and i probably fled in the wrong direction, but Jesus followed me (always does) so everything was fine. i came back to the party after just a bit, and it had died down, to just a few friends - my amigo bears, and a few people we've been friends with since the Tuesday Family Dinner days. that felt better, but there was still a weird vibe. i'm not the only one who felt it.

(from last night. amigo bears.)

i learned how to ride a stand-up paddle board today. it was amazing, and amazingly difficult - i spent more time in the water than out of it (which isn't the point) but it was so fantastic. my sunglasses have been given as a love offering to the san diego harbor, where i paddled an 11-foot board beneath the coronado bridge, with a lovely view of the san diego skyline. i'd like to point out that i'm the best of everyone at getting UP on the board, since i had to do it so many times.

songs of the week

2009-08-06T21:27:00.000-07:00

crooked teeth by death cab for cutie
invisible touch by genesis
when did your heart go missing by rooney
banquet by bloc party
louisiana bayou by dave matthews band

two days twitter-free

2009-08-02T21:09:00.000-07:00

so, one of the reasons i decided to take a break from twitter was to practice the actual, functional attachments i have with real people in my life, who i care about, and who i know care about me.

(this is as opposed to sending mini-updates out to the twitterverse in hopes that "someone" cares. and please understand i'm only calling myself out, right now. this is not necessarily what every tweetmeister out there is guilty of!)

i've been on the wagon for two days now, but i have a very strong inclination to tweet! it's such a habit for me, now! i have people in my world who are accostumed to & encourage my twitter habit, and even like being mini-celebrities through MY twitter account. i'm so driven to share my micro-thoughts & experiences with the world, be it everybody, or nobody. but you know what another option is? somebody. and that's what i've been doing instead.

lorie and jenni got the first text on saturday morning - it said my opinion about the weather & what i was doing just then. i sent them another one later when i smelled some delicious food and wondered if the ingredients were vegan. these were thoughts i REALLY wanted to twitter, but instead, i decided to share them with friends. real, live, friends.

i took it a step further today. i was paying bills at my desk. that's a lie. things are really rough right now and i can't quite pay all my bills. it's all going to work out, people are gracious, Jesus is bigger than money, and i'm hoping to get a new part-time job since i'm not getting enough hours at the store. these thoughts were all pretty depressing as i sat at my desk, under the light of a beautiful vintage lamp i brought home from washington on my roadtrip. it was my grandmother's, and it had come from the room i'd slept in at her home when i was a child. it's amazing and delicate and it honestly made my not-being-able-to-pay-my-bills session not so rough.

i walked into the living room where jenni was watching the buick open (she loves golf, i cannot imagine us being more different) and said, "my grandma's beautiful vintage lamp even makes not being able to pay my bills better." she smiled politely and said, "good, roommate, i'm proud of you for not tweeting that."

she didn't actually think it was a cool thought.

that's the problem with real people. you run the risk that your thought isn't going to be received well. when you toss a tweet into the world wide web, you don't have to look at the faces of the thousands of people who read your micro-updates. real relationships are a whole different story.

songs of the week

2009-08-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

1. die, vampire, die from the musical "title of show"
2. leave the bourbon on the shelf by the killers
3. welcome to the family by shwank
4. you found me by the fray (fantastic concert on tuesday. so good, i just typed the f-word before fantastic & then deleted it - but it was that good)
5. sunshine by matt costa

my blackout

2009-08-01T01:57:00.000-07:00

so... no twitter or facebook for the month of august.

basically: a campaign to work on the real attachments in my life & quit using fake, substitute attachments (which i so effectively announce to the non-world that is the blogosphere). but really- this is an actual issue with me, i'm realizing. it was one thing to be connected to people when i was gone on my roadtrip, but quite another when i'm home and still reaching to these fakey-fake attachments to feel like i'm connected to the world. i have people around me, and i want to connect with them.

another thought: Jesus. and the time i spend with Him. i'm thinking about my investment in my cyber-self. which is far, far too much. i'm even thinking now about how i should go back to a non-roadtrip banner for my blog, since i'm not on the road anymore, and change the name back. because i'm sooo important and have sooo many readers. neither of those things are true. meanwhile, GOD LONGS FOR ME FURIOUSLY. (i'm reading brennan manning right now.) He's like, i'd like a status update. take as many characters as you want. and i'm all, i don't have time, but you can follow me on twitter.

of course, it's not that bad, but it's not NOT that bad, either. my priorities have been very, very self-focused of late and i think a social networking blackout will do me some good, and a month is a good start.

i guess in that sense, it's a fast, right? abstaining from one thing to focus on another? and in this case, i'm focusing on the relationships that i DO want to have (real ones, with real people), not fake ones (built on the cutest pictures i choose, the wittiest quotes i decide to post, and the politics of who's writing what to who).

i was reminded that i quit eating meat and dairy for just 2 weeks in early january, and here i am, 7 months later, vegan. i just couldn't go back. i gave up celebrity gossip for lent, and i've never returned to it with the fury i once had. "it's the year of giving up," i said to jenni, brad, and lorie from the kitchen tonight.

microupdate.

2009-07-27T23:10:00.000-07:00

i have been running at breakneck speed since returning from the road. oh, how i miss it. but, i also love my crazy life.

we had a stupendous dessert tonight to welcome new women to the church. i introduced them to the various things they should/could get involved in, and the pastor's wife did this phenomenal job of weaving our vision, and they asked questions and sat and talked for an hour afterward, and it all just felt so natural. do i really want to leave women's ministry?

a long/short vegan rant

2009-07-19T12:08:00.001-07:00

a few thoughts in response to my own post from friday regarding my (continuing) choice to not consume animal products:

- since i've been vegan for six months now, i recognize i'm at a turning point where i should opt in and figure out how i'm going to make a life out of this or just give it up. if i opt in, i really want to have a firmer philosophical foundation, because i'm that kind of thinker. one of my continuously evolving philosophies is that i don't want to make a negative impact on animal life. like, a "no animal footprint" kind of deal. i think that's what i'm going for. in the meantime, i've been driving 1600 miles thinking about humility, so i want to make it clear that i don't have this all figured out.

- since i've been at Aunt Kathy's & Uncle Dan's, i've been grabbing a lot of veggies from their garden to eat. and every time i do, i have to knock a bunch of bugs off of my lettuce and berries. wait. they're animals. vegan dilemma.

- so, what does respecting animals look like to me? i don't know! for the last six months, it has been not eating them. and i think that's what it means to me. but where's the line? i'm going to admit to my blogosphere that the jam we made has a trace amount of butter in it - during the boiling process, it helps reduce foaming. usually, i wouldn't TOUCH anything with butter in it, but i spent 5 hours making that jam, and i'm eating it.

- i know there is a difference between using animals for food in a humane way and exploiting animals for money. that's why i have respect for small-scale farms that use as much of an animal as possible, who respect animals as living things and not just as a commodity.

- honestly, meat and dairy don't appeal to me anymore. i remember liking them, i remember them tasting good, but there was a time recently where i ended up eating some egg and some shrimp (i don't want to talk about it) and i had two fears: that i would get sick (i didn't - that suprised me) and that i would like it (i didn't - that also suprised me). i'm happy eating things that grow out of the ground.

the mysterious "seattle dave" & challenges to veganism

2009-07-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

i cruised back down to seattle after making jam, because it was dave's birthday and i love seattle. it was a flipping fantastic night. i honestly love his crew of friends - he is a magnet for people from texas, so somehow, the backyard of the ArtChurch became a west texas saloon, but it was amazing. here: meet dave.

everyone was on a really good intellectual plane, too, and i had some good discussions about food. dave gave me a challenge about my veganism that totally shifted a paradigm for me. it went something like this: "you don't like the way big farmers treat the animals they are raising and selling. so you're boycotting and taking yourself out of the market. however, in capitalism, the way to make an impact on those farmers, because they are businessmen, is to move your market share, not withdraw yourself from the market completely. you not being a part of the market at all? makes your vote not count. tyson? knudsen? they don't care about you. you're not a blip on their radar. if you were BUYING organic milk and organic, free-range chicken, eventually, they'd pay attention to that." i'm not saying he changed my mind and now i eat meat, but it was the first kind of convinicing argument i've heard regarding how to be responsible with my philosophy & eating/buying choices. one of his friends referred to this as "responsible capitalism" and i liked that term. SOMEONE is going to profit on every dollar you spend, so it's your responsibility as a consumer to choose wisely - who do you want to profit? (i.e. local businesses or mega corporations?) i'd love to hear your thoughts if you have any.

Raspberry Jam Session

2009-07-19T11:36:00.000-07:00

berries grow wild in anacortes. in the freezer of uncle dan & aunt kathy's house, there were gallons upon gallons of frozen berries, and they'd been wanting to make jam for a long time. finally, they decided to up & do it when i came to visit. this video is just a snippit of the half hour of footage we shot that day - 5 hours of jam-making, altogether. we made 31 jars of jam and managed to stain the sink, my shirt, the curtains, and everything in between a deep purple - it actually matched the streaks in my hair. there's been quite a demand for a taste of the homemade jam, so i'm going to advise you that your best bet is to send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the anacortes handyman service. or, come to my house in carlsbad & i'll make you some toast with vegan butter & jam.

EPILOGUE: "little bunny", my aunt kathy, was actually really impressed with our clean up job. she only had to clean up the floor, which is still sticky, a few days later. but the jam's delicious.

Wally.

2009-07-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

Since my grandparents passed away, Uncle Dan has adopted a few special people to take care of. He REALLY wanted me to interview Wally, and from this video, you can see why. Dan's in the process of painting Wally's house, but it's much more than a professional relationship. For example, today, Wally came over, and Dan and I sat on the computer for an hour figuring out the best wheelchair to order for his wife on coscto.com. Anyway, I love to see how Uncle Dan's spread his love around after the loss of his beloved parents, and we could all learn a ton from the wisdom and grace of our octogenarian neighbors.

just meet my Uncle Dan.

2009-07-16T11:17:00.000-07:00

i showed uncle dan my roadtrip video blogs and explained to him how i liked them to work, and i should have known that this would happen. i get a lot of my spontonaitey and humor and pain-in-the-ass-ness from him. this is the uncle from whom i got the phrase, "what do you mean, 'we'? you got a mouse in your pocket?" as well as a lot of other phrases you'll see in what have swiftly become HIS videos. i'm hoping he's figure out how to work his own webcam & set up a YouTube show - for one thing, the demand is there, and for another thing, if he doesn't, i don't think i'll be able to take my laptop home. enjoy.

Anacortes Arrival!

2009-07-16T00:43:00.000-07:00

the most unlikely mentors

2009-07-16T00:13:00.000-07:00

This has been an interesting season for me, period. There are a lot of factors for that, what with the “7 jobs” (I really only have 2, or 3, sometimes); my community of twentysomething singles slowly edging towards we’re-going-to-be-30-and and, well, I’m still single; my geographic infidelity (which I may be feeling more strongly as I type from a coffee shop in Seattle that I’d love to make my home base); and my continuing struggle to choose how I’m going to identify myself. Interesting, to say the least.

I’ve had a few go-to’s over the course of my life when times get overwhelming, but honestly, everyone’s been through so much, that it’s been hard to figure out who to dump this all on recently. Cindy (read her blog), Beejay (buy her music), and Goose Laugh (read her blog) are all brilliant, and have all provided excellent feedback when I’ve thought I might be losing it over the past few months. But even beyond them, it’s been mind-blowing to see how wisdom is being spoken into my life through mediums I wouldn’t have expected.

I met Noelle standing behind an espresso machine at Starbucks in 2006. The first words I heard from her, ever, were at 4 in the morning, when she concisely uttered, “I used to be a Christian, and I don’t want to talk about it.” Thus began a life long friendship, question mark? We sat at a Thai restaurant on Day One of my roadtrip, and though she still considers herself agnostic, she told me that I shouldn’t feel guilty for desiring companionship, because that’s a theme that’s woven throughout the entire Bible. That’s obviously something that’s close to God’s heart, so my wanting it too isn’t sinful, it’s a reflection of Him. We dialogued more, because it’s important to clarify how much importance you put on any one thing you don’t have (as if to say, “if I only had _____, I’d be happy…” – I’m well aware, it never actually works that way.) But this is why I value Noelle so much: her words were brilliant, reassuring, and very un-hallmarky.

My other surprise neon sign of truth was, well, a neon sign of truth.

This is from a church parking lot in Tacoma, Washington, just off the 5 freeway. Flippin’ unreal. To go into the mindset I was in that day (day five) of my roadtrip, as I was headed from Vancouver to Seattle would be a little too much, but suffice it to say that stumbling upon this sign was perfect timing. My Uncle Dan let me know that from time to time, the church will also have huge political banners posted below this sign, which I think is really inappropriate, but I think that on its own, this message is just super powerful & I can imagine that it has reached quite a few people just when they needed to hear it.

Anyway, here’s to finding truth where you weren’t seeking it.

paradox from the road:

2009-07-14T14:11:00.001-07:00

i tend to get really freaked out by the idea of being alone, but i really, really like to be alone.

for example, i decided to drive to washington by myself, and when i arrived in redding and was with my brother and sister-in-law, i was highly inclined to take off and roam redding by myself.

it's always an adventure with dave.

2009-07-14T01:48:00.000-07:00

So dave lives in the ArtChurch, right? An old Lutheran church that had low attendance (due to the fact that there are churches on every block, probably) that is now rented out but is only zoned for residential purposes, except that somehow, they’re allowed to have free gallery/music parties there – and they do. It’s in a constant state of renovation (kinda cool, making all things new?) and there are always different people there – 5 people and 3 dogs actually live there, but several other people store things there – boats, furniture, cars, artwork & art supplies – and then there are other people going in and out – significant others, the people doing work on the place, and then me, Dave’s random friend from California. I stopped introducing myself after the second person, since no one seemed to care.

I had the best day in Ballard, which is the neighborhood dave and the artChurch occupy. It’s family-friendly, and there’s a public library with a rooftop garden, a cute metro-ish area with cafes & a movie theatre, the shipyard, a huge park with the kind of fountain that sprays right out of the ground, so the kids are there in bathing suits. I just spent time reading, writing & sitting in the grass before returning to the ArtChurch where I pulled a chair into the backyard (you can so imagine 60 people out there on a Sunday after church for a picnic) to sit with the dogs in the sunshine until Dave got home from work.

He meandered into the backyard. The dogs all ran up to him. I was eating watermelon and soaking up the sun. I asked how his day was. I wondered, could I live this life?

Then I remembered that I’m on vacation, so this isn’t real life.

“What are we doing tonight?” I asked eagerly. It would be my only ‘real night’ in Seattle. Apparently, that day at work (he distributes wine to the local Italian restaraunts) his phone rang nonstop. As he continued talking, he handed me a to-go box. “It’s all vegan. And Italian. And good.” One call had been from Sabrina, who we were going to pick up from the airport at 11:30. Another had been from his estranged grandmother, “Stop there. Your estranged grandmother?” He interrupted himself to explain how something along the lines of a failure to send thank you notes resulted in sweet grandma cutting off communication with much of Dave’s family for the greater part of the last 10 years. Awesome. His estranged grandmother had called to say she was on Mercer Island and wanted to have dinner with him tonight. Extra awesome. “Did you talk to Josh & Jordan?” Dave’s friends who I looooveed, who I really wanted to see, remained enigmatic, since I didn’t have their numbers. “Yeah – Jordan’s working and Josh is playing D & D at Shmorgan’s house. But let’s go by there.”

It looked like my night was shaping up to include Chinese food on Mercer Island with Estranged Grandmother, Dungeons and Dragons with grown men, and picking up a girl named Sabrina from the airport and dropping her off at a yet-to-be disclosed location. Always an adventure with Dave.

His grandma was fantastic. Born in Iowa, having spent most of her life (like Dave) in West Texas, neither of us could break it to her that I’m vegan, so I didn’t eat much of the family meal in front of me. I picked out all the vegetables from everything available and did a very good job of moving my food around so no one noticed that I wasn’t actually eating. I accidentally crossed her once, and discovered that she has a magical answer that really seems to work for everything: “you do in West Texas.” My original sin was asking if she needed to own an American made car. (She was in the process of getting rid of her old Cadillac. You know I was trying to get her to buy a Prius, right?) She told me she was going between a Cheverolet this model and a Ford that model, and I asked, very politely, “Do you have to buy an American car?” “You do in West Texas.” This was the same answer she gave to “do you have to put the legs of your cot in cans of water when you go camping?”

Mercer Island is amazing. It’s an island in the middle of Lake Washington. It was a beautiful evening when we drove out there and still light as we headed back to Wallingford to crash the D & D party.

I wiki’ed Dungeons & Dragons on my iPhone to get a semblance of what I was getting myself into, because I only knew it was horribly, horribly nerdy, but what I found only confused me more. The people that were at Shmorgan’s house (the guy, of course, has another name, but whatever, my name’s Stine, I shouldn’t throw stones) looked normal-ish. One was dressed kind of like someone from Lord of the Rings. There was a sufficient amount of Pabst Blue Ribbon being administered to all players, and a familiar smell from my childhood wafted out of a ceramic pipe several times. I have mastered the art of peer pressure (a combination of "Oh, no, man, I'm cool" and "I don't drink beer that's filtered with fish). What I couldn’t handle is that THERE WERE DICE EVERYWHERE. And, as I came to find out later, even more dice than in a normal D & D game. There were standard 6-sided dice being used as “bad guys” (hyenas? Question mark?) in addition to the obscure multi-faceted dice that were all over the floor and in front of every player. At one point, I made a comment to Dave. “I see a lot of dice.” Then, the LOTR-looking guy threw me his personal satchel of multi-sided dice to examine. (That’s what she said?) I know. Crazy. It was actually really fun & entertaining and I learned a lot – it’s this whole other world, literally.

From there, we headed to the airport. Sabrina had just moved to Durango, Colorado and had some loose ends to tie up in Seattle – they involved a fifth wheel, her mother’s bank account, and her probation officer. Do you have to get on a plane to tie up loose ends? You do in West Texas. It was already 11, but hey, it’s always an adventure. “You’ll like Sabrina,” Dave told me. “She’s hardcore.” She was pretty rad. She told me – they told me – about a group of hippie/lazy (they said, don’t give them too much credit) friends they had living outside of Olympia who shared a set of ramshackle apartments with no running water. They lived co-op style, cooked & ate together out of one big pot. Is this legal? (No.) Do they get sick? (Yes.) The girls who have kids – do their kids live there? (No.) This is bizarre. We drop Sabrina off in Olympia, but not at “The Bog”(where the lazy people live). We take her to The Evergreen State College. It’s okay – I’d never heard of it either. It’s apparently a really expensive private school where the students make up their own majors, most of which revolve around conservation & ecology. It’s the most beautiful campus, covered in beautiful pine trees, and out of town, so you can see the stars amazingly. Sabrina said hippies live in the trees. Once, they tried to clear them all out, thinking there were 75 living in there, and it was more like 500. Sabrina has 20 more units until she graduates and she’s going to throw a music festival in Durango. She’s pretty sure that will take care of her last semester of college.

It’s always an adventure.

vancouver with Jeanette & Nate

2009-07-13T14:16:00.000-07:00

roadtrip thinking: only more questions

2009-07-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

these are some BIG IDEAS i'm thinking about while i'm driving:

where's the balance between humility & dignity?

is it okay to pray for stability? (financial, professional, relational, spiritual)

i spoke to one of my favorites yesterday when i was about to lose my mind (stuck in traffic outside of salem, OR) and she asked me if i'd come up with any answers yet. i told her, "only more questions."

but on the open road, with a ton of time to think, write, paint & process is a great place to be working through these ideas.

anyway, i'd love to hear if anyone out there has any comments.

the road less travelled

2009-07-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

i had to exit the interstate because of grueling 10mph traffic, and found a country road that boasted some amazing scenery. a treasure from the salem, OR area:

Roadtrip Day Three

2009-07-12T09:58:00.000-07:00

hidden treasures in redding

2009-07-11T17:59:00.000-07:00

my brother lives just outside of redding, as i said, which, despite being just off interstate 5, really is off the beaten path, even if just figuratively. even though it was a non-driving day, i couldn't be cooped up inside, so i decided to spin around for a bit and shoot a little of it. here's a bit of what i found:

Roadtrip Day Two

2009-07-10T23:28:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure how i've never made it to haight in my travels to san fran, but i'm glad noelle took me there this morning. i was obsessed with the grafitti and sad i didn't shoot any pictures. i had an amazing vegan donut and we talked politics. freedom of speech, health care, poverty, bipartisanship. i wish i could have spent more time with her - next roadtrip, she & san francisco get way more time.

my next stop was in pleasanton to see caroline, who was in the first class i ever taught at new venture. her family took me under their wing, and two years later, i had her brother in my class as a third grader. i remained in touch with them when they moved to the bay area, so it was wonderful to see them in their element. caro's as bright as ever, and i'm just as pleased as punch to see how she's growing up. they made me the most fantastic lunch - this great vegan pasta & salad, which we enjoyed on their beautiful porch. then, they took me on a rad tour of their town. they showed me all the schools the kids go to, the theatre where caro dances, the field where daniel special way to spend the afternoon with them!

from there, i needed to head to my brother's. now, mike lives near redding, but he also lives off the beaten path. my iphone has been so reliable and awesome about giving me directions, and it's been super accurate as far as time estimates. the only thing is, i got to a certain point last night, at 10:30, where i lost signal, and there are no street lights, and mike lives off a dirt road full of potholes, and there were dogs barking, and i was genuinely scared. luckily, i recognized one of the barks, and the next sound i heard was a whistle and "squagirl!?!", which is what my brother's called me since i can remember, and he guided me into their driveway with a flashlight.

he spent the next half hour teasing me, just like old times. just because we didn't grow up around eachother all the time doesn't mean he doesn't know how to be a big brother. "do you want me to grill you a steak? can i get you a hard boiled egg? you must be hungry." he offered me every animal product they had in the house, and gave me a charley horse. it was fantastic, and i was so happy to be there with them.

Roadtrip Day One

2009-07-09T23:11:00.000-07:00

i left carlsbad at 10:30am, i stopped to see cindy & procure a few items in paramount. i was misled by the person (who shall remain nameless) who told me to leave north county at 10 "in order to avoid LA traffic" (i originally wanted to leave at 6 or 7am to get to san fran nice & early) and TOTALLY hit traffic in LA anyway. i paid way too much for gas along the 5, listened to so much good music courtesy of roadtrip CDs, enjoyed the first few chapters of francis chan's "crazy love" (check my twitter history for the link to download it for free), waited in line to pay the bay bridge toll for about an hour, and finally ended up in san francisco at 8:30pm. i loved the scenery along the 5 - the transition between vineyards, citrus groves, lavender & corn fields. had so much fun talking with noelle in san francisco - the girl's as smart as a whip. i miss having her live close to me. her apartment is tiny but cozy and her neighborhood is up against golden gate park. i found a tiny parking spot that was fodder for several "that's what she said" jokes & she says she has to watch out for rats, but other than that, she loves where she lives.

songs of the week

2009-07-06T16:48:00.000-07:00

i have had such a beautiful outpouring of music over the last few weeks in preparation for my roadtrip. literally, so many gigs of wonderful music that i've had to reorganize my iPhone to fit it all. it's awesome. and, as i like to say, "mix tapes are my love language," so i'm feeling very loved, at a time when i really need it.

i've snuck a listen at a few (but not all) of these awesome CDs and let me tell you what's blowing me away:

- The Killers - Mr. Brightside (this amazing doonsk doonsk remix)
- Metro Station - Seventeen Forever (from my seventeen year old cousin's CD, so sweet)
- Conor Oberst - Nikorette
- Chris Quilana - Your Love Never Fails
- Ingrid Michaelson - The Chain (Live from Webster Hall)

undone on the road

2009-07-01T22:40:00.000-07:00

i leave for my roadtrip in a week!

i just got super psyched because i realized there's room in my car for my box of art supplies and a few canvases. when i stop along the way - at my brother's house, at the ArtChurch (hellooo), and once i get to anacortes, i can actually empty up all my bottled up creative energy into some creations. and i'm so stoked about that. check back to see what comes out of that!

WHAT am i not ready for?

2009-07-01T22:17:00.000-07:00

it's hard to be abby.

abby is this unreal human being who i work with and for and sometimes pretend to be when she's on vacation. she is so spectacular that when she's gone, and i have to try to fill her shoes, i literally wear nicer clothes, and a watch, and show up on time for work, and catch myself wondering aloud, 'what would abby do'?

i cried in the parking lot yesterday because the stress got to be a bit too much.

also, truth be told, i'm feeling a bit isolated. abby's an emotional support too, a great friend, and i miss talking to her at work. mrs. king's in india, and jenni's in iowa, and then in the meantime, all my male friends (God bless them) have paired off with the female of the species, and so community-wise, i feel like i'm floundering.

luckily, Jesus and matt gollaher, in some tandem team, (i find they often operate together in one) came to my rescue with words of wisdom and prayer and encouragement.

so then today, i'm in a meeting that i would have still run if abby would have been in town, but i just would have been more prepared if she had been there, i think. i don't know.

i'm obsessed with this girl: havi brooks. she talks a lot about destuckification and i bet she'd have a lot of good things to say about this situation, because i'm wondering if the anxiety i felt when i sat there is due to the fact that i wasn't ready for the meeting, or that i'm not ready to be in ministry, or that i'm not ready for the position i have, or that i'm not ready to eventually take over abby's position, or that i just was not ready for today to be wednesday, or that i'm not ready for life.

one way or the other, i AM ready for a vacation. a roadtrip, specifically. ahhh. i can feel the wind in my hair already.

what do you want me to do with this?

2009-06-24T23:01:00.001-07:00

it feels good to wrap up a project. this is what i polished off today:

"what do you want me to do with this?" mixed media (spray paint, card stock, toothpicks, paper, craft glue, watercolor, xerox, pencil, found discarded window screen). 2009.

this channeled out a moment a few weeks ago when i felt like Jesus was handing me a proverbial pile of building material with no directions as to what i was supposed to build.

i want to give nick abrams a shoutout, because he came through like a mother freakin' champ, coaching me to "you can draw, stine, your brain just gets in the way," when i told him that i couldn't draw. i insisted, nick, i just need you to draw me a tiny, simple house, and a boat, and a fire. (as it worked out, those ARE his that you see. i shrunk them down, copied them onto cardstock, painted & mounted them, but he tried to make me do them myself. at one point in our lesson, he was being really encouraging to me as i was drawing a super loppy house (that i loved, it was a dejected house - you may see it in the future) - but i needed a perfect house like you see in this piece, so i was frustrated with myself. i said to nick, "stop it. you're just trying to make me believe in myself, you S.O.B." it was awesome. check out nick's artwork at www.nickabrams.com - my favorite of which is located at (i'm not kidding, it's a long story, maybe i'll post it tomorrow) www.nickabrams.com/stine

and if you're stuck in a moment like i was, think about channeling your frustration into something creative. i still don't know what i'm building. but i have decided not to just up and burn all my toothpicks.

office chatter

2009-06-24T12:43:00.001-07:00

so i'm in love with these little guys:
and was trying to ask Stadtmiller (Pastor Adam Stadtmiller, that is) an all-important question about the Bachelorette, but he interupted me to say, "as she takes a bite of her vegan cookie... does it crumble to dust in your mouth?" i answered him, "i haven't eaten a "real" cookie in months and months. i've lost my reference point. i think they're delicious.

he responded, "you've lost your internal cookie compass."

BTW, kiptyn from the bachelorette walked through our office yesterday. cute as hell, and you know i don't usually go for handsome.

roadtrip pearls of wisdom from Uncle Dan

2009-06-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

Stine,
Only weapon you need is your cellphone. There are, however places where it won't work. Gas prices are going to be a factor, unless you've just won the lottery, or are planning to have someone else pay off your Visa card (it's expensive, but not too bad if you don't have to pay for it). My suggestion would be to MapQuest or Google all the Costcos along your route so you can fuel up there. You don't even want to think about purchasing fuel between Redding and Medford. Medford has a Costco, and I can get you a place to stay there also if need be. Sacramento has a Costco, but I'll be darned if I could ever find it. Your next best fueling stop is one of those T&A truck stops (not what you think) or the Pilot truck stops. Some of those stops have pretty good trucker kinda meals, but I think you're still sticking with the rabbit food; you'l be real disappointed. If I think of any other pearls of wisdom, I'll pass them along. We'd all probably rest a little easier if you checked in every day or so, roger?
Love, D&LB
PS don't try and pump your own gas in Oregon--it's against the law.

Roadtrip Renegade

2009-06-18T17:56:00.000-07:00

I just pulled this out of an article on RoadTripAmerica.com - read the full text here.

Reason #10 for taking a road trip by yoursef:

You get to be a "renegade" if you want to be. As one of the owners of RoadTripAmerica.com, I make a living providing clear, concise and (hopefully) good advice, but when I am on solo road trip, I frequently break one or more of the "rules," usually the one about telling someone where I am planning to go. I trust that my expertise and the hundreds of thousands of successfully completed road-trip miles will contribute to a satisfactory completion of my adventure. My point is, when you're on a solo trip, you get to make up most of the rules. Embrace your inner renegade -- it's good for the soul!

you must watch this.

2009-06-18T16:14:00.000-07:00

i got it from www.soulpancake.com, a site you must visit, immedeately. it's rainn wilson's brainchild, and an amazing place of creativity & soulfulness.

overheard in lauren's garage: "i need... i need nick abrams."

2009-06-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

"do you want to paint a shirt? is that what you just pulled out of your bag?" lauren asked her, glancing over her shoulder. "and i think that's a mockingbird, and it never leaves," she noted, referring to a horribly annoying songbird tweeting in the alleyway.

stine held a crumpled up v-neck in her hand and shook her head. "no, i'm going to paint - i have a canvas, and i have a painting in my head. and i'm afraid of spray paint. but what i need, i need... i need nick abrams."

lauren didn't acknowledge her friend's last statement, but intstead kept rambling about the mockingbird. that was okay, because it seemed like the mockingbird matched the rhythym of the afternoon, and this iron & wine song that was playing on pandora, but all stine could think about was her painting with straight lines, piles of toothpicks, and a tiny boat and a tiny house.

no one knew his address.

2009-06-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

i'm working on a spreadsheet, right? of my roadtrip... an updated version of what's posted below. it'll have where i'm stopping and starting every day, with addresses, mileage, time frames - as accurate as i can get, at least. especially after seeing the hangover yesterday (which was hilarious, but i am NOT recommending it unless you are highly appreciative of very, very inappropriate raunch humor) (i got carded TWICE before seeing it), when the guys were looking for their friend and trying to retrace his steps, i realized, if, horror of horrors, something should happen, i'd want some way for my parents to track where i was last - or where i was supposed to have been next.

except, of course, that my iphone has GPS, right? and hello, i tweet every hour like clockwork. i can't go too far off the map, can i, now?

but it dawned on me that i didn't take the same precautions last february. i headed up to the northwest with my iphone, dave's address, and a mental map of how to get to anacortes from seattle. i didn't have bus or train tickets, and in fact, i got lost after leaving the airport. and i made it, just fine, to the artchurch (you remember that seattle dave lives in an abandoned lutheran church that's been renovated into a live/paint/play structure they've renamed the ArtChurch,) although he was still at work when i got there.

seattle dave is not a serial killer. but, like, you don't know him. raise your hand if you've met him. my dad has, as it turns out, met him, but that was for 6 minutes, because we were in town for my grandfather's funeral, and my dad happens to be a horrible judge of character - he's a sucker for anyone with good taste in music (which dave has) (that's actually how we met) (that's a story for another time).

you guys, nobody knew where i was. i was in seattle for three days, untraceable. yes, i was updating my facebook. yes, i was calling and emailing. but no one actually knew where i WAS. no one knows dave's last name. he's always "seattle dave." i know it, but i never use it. i'm sure cindy assumed my dad knew where i was staying and my uncle dan assumed i'd told jenni where i was staying and i just reckon that everyone assumed someone else knew but the truth is, that at the end of the day, nobody knew exactly where i was sleeping for two days.

anyway. i'm realizing that, just like everything always needs to be renewed, the way i do human relationships needs a little reworking. and this is one of those things. i'm wanting to be missed, i realize, while i'm gone, and so i'm going to tell a few people exactly where i'm going to be. that's the risk - the scary fourth-grade valentine moment, where i hand a favorite person my folded up road trip itinerary with just a little bit of my heart attached to it, because i'm saying, care that i'm gone? and i think - i'm not positive, but i think: that less-robot/more-human vulnerability - it's a step in the right direction.

BTW, the ArtChurch is located at the corner of 22nd & 61st in Ballard in Seattle.

dropping like flies.

2009-06-14T09:47:00.000-07:00

i had lunch with one of my boy (big space) friends on monday - he's studying for the bar exam and allows himself one hour lunch break and happens to have an extrordinary vegan-friendly eatery within walking distance of his digs in leucadia. plus, i'd gotten wind over the weekend of the fact that the girl he'd been seeing recently was now his girlfriend.

so, we sat and talked about it in the sunshine over soy chorizo. this one's super happy - and of course, there's nothing more i want for
a) any of my friends
b) one of the basil boys, specifically
c) a part of the happy square, specifically
than for them to be happy.

but do you know how i found out that he and the girl (who's awesome & as it works out, a really good match for him) had made it official? because his roommate (the other basil boy, the other corner of the happy square) was telling me about the girl he's hanging out with as we sat in the wild one's kitchen.

the wild one got back from africa (so awesome, so happy to have her home) and all the nice girls come over in their skinny jeans, high heels, and hoop earrings, and then all the guys come over, and then stine shows up in bermuda shorts and hemp rainbows (question mark?) (i'd thrown a BBQ at the church for 300 people.) the girls drink wine out of pretty wine glasses and cross their legs on the couch, and the guys drink jäger out of coffee cups in the kitchen. i'm having an identity crisis because my upbringing cannot permit me to drink wine out of a coffee cup, but i'm having fun, because the boys are so laid-back, and it looks like the girls have to put on a show out there. or at least balance their wine glasses.

so, then, the other one's talking about his new girl - she's drama-free. she doesn't hunt him down, lets him chill with his friends, they have their space, and to her credit, i've seen a lot of him lately, which is really cool.

there's nothing more i want then for them to be happy!

and then, the wild one's almost engaged, and then one of my brothers of thunder just really DID get engaged.

remember when i used to hang out with a bunch of single people?

the cardboard baler

2009-06-11T22:13:00.000-07:00

i get to leave for my road trip in less than a month, thanks to the fact that i've been working my tail off. i've been putting in close to 60 hours a week between all of my jobs, and i'm exhausted. there's a sweet kid named james who asked me today how i like working at BBW, as we tossed cardboard boxes into the baler.

oh, it's fun, i told him, the bags under my eyes contradicting the forced smile in my voice. i realized how exhausted i was, and that he may have caught me swearing under my breath a half hour earlier. he's young, but he wasn't born yesterday, and the last thing i want is to come off as less than genuine. well, i'm tired, and there are times that i feel like i'm working a little too hard for minimum wage, you know? but i'm going on a great vacation soon, so i'm looking forward to that.

just then, james flipped the switch to crush the boxes into just a few inches of compacted cardboard. imagine being inside, he said, morbidly. i pointed out that's why there's a sign on the front that says 'do not enter'.

quote: richard foster

2009-05-21T22:24:00.001-07:00

"the history of religion is the story of an almost desperate scramble to have a king, a mediator, a priest, a pastor, a go-between. in this way we do not need to go to God ourselves. such an approach saves us from the need to change, for to be in the presence of God is to change."

#ROADTRIPtoREDEMPTION

2009-05-14T23:35:00.000-07:00

i had a shitty day.

and i can say that, because i said it in the sound booth. and i said it in the sound booth, because a woman who i respect a lot who also works at the church with me said it in the sound booth. "i'm sorry things are shitty. i'm sorry that your title was changed."

my title was changed today. and it's okay, and it's going to be okay. a rose by any other name still smells as sweet. i know, but i had a shitty day.

in any event, i was totally due for a night at karl strauss by the time it rolled around, and as we sat around the bartop, i told my friends my plan for the road trip.

"how far can i honestly drive in one day without killing myself?" they said that together they'd driven straight to seattle. that's insane. and they almost died. estelle once drove to denver by herself at night but in involved cigarettes and was seriously unsafe and she didn't recommend it. when i asked if i could make it to redding in one day, they laughed at me. "redding? 9 hours? pheshhh." then came that breathing out sound, you know, the diminiuitive one that suggests that they think you're being silly. apparently, san diego to redding in one day is child's play.

"wait, why are you going?" and i explained myself. it included my northwest longings, the jesuits, and the what the heck fest. also, i was paying for the sins of my past. i really do feel like the most (i really don't want to use the f-word on my blog, but let me just say i'm tempted to right now) messed up thing i've ever done in my life, i did the last time i took i road trip to washington. i feel like a part of my purpose is to make up for that. taking a good road trip, maybe, i guess, will, maybe, pay back a little bit of the wrong i've done. "also, i want to prove to my dad that i CAN, and i want to do it while i'm single, and i want to drive to canada."

"so it's a roadtrip to redemption?" my friend asked.

i guess, in a sense, it is.

this really captures how my day was.

road trip planning, in progress

2009-05-13T20:09:00.001-07:00

so, in about 30 minutes, with some notes from 4 months ago, some decent working geography of the west coast, google maps, and ical, this is what i just came up with. now i just need to let my bosses know that i'm changing my vacation days a bit. and i realized as i changed my spreadsheet into a jpeg to post it here - "wait! why's there no #15?" oh! because i only have 2 weeks off work. so i'll need to get home in 3 days. :)

2009-05-11T16:10:00.001-07:00

from one of my tweeps: TheBlueTurkey@stinefarmer stop at Fern Canyon on the NorCal coast. Amazing, amazing, amazing place.

road trip planning, vehicle repairs & an appeal to masculinity

2009-05-10T22:26:00.000-07:00

since returning from the pacific northwest this february, i've been hankering to get back. i put in for vacation time almost immediately upon my return, and am getting closer and closer to beginning an amazing roadtrip up towards my family's home in the san juan islands in washington. as i discuss this trip, i'll refer to it as "my road trip". you may also hear "i'm driving to canada", because i fully intend to drive to canada, as it's close to my actual final destination.

i'm about to lose the clutch in my car. i'm not a mechanic, but i just know this. and i have a hydraulic clutch, so officially, you can't predict when it's supposed to go out, except for a guesstimation based on mileage. it's not like with the other kind of clutch (they have a name, i don't know it) where it's a gradual slippage and you can adjust it. mine can't be adjusted. it's just that one day you have a clutch and then one day you don't.

i'm hoping that i'm not halfway to oregon when i don't.

these are the times that being a single gal is a little rough. and my dad, bless his heart, (really, God, if You're reading my blog, bless his heart) is not all that helpful with stuff like this because the point he'd like to argue is that it's unwise for me to drive to canada by myself. after all, i'm only fourteen years old, i have no friends or family to stay with along the way, i don't speak the vernacular language of the places i'll be traveling through, and i'm a horrible driver. allright, i'll cede him the last point, but damn it, i'm going on a road trip. by myself. i'm stopping, like, every 6 hours to stay with people. tomorrow i'm drawing up my actual plan, and i'll post it. i'd love to know what y'all think. anyway, my clutch. i'm thinking, "what do i do?" i'm a PYT who can't just walk into whatever auto shop and say "do i need a new clutch?" do you know what they're going to answer me? i don't have a reliable mechanic in north county. and even if i did, i'm not looking for a car repair. i'm looking for advice. a consultation. i'm looking for car-love.

dude, i need a boyfriend. wait. that's not true. i need a boyfriend's dad. a temporary father-in-law. or a roommate's boyfriend. a someone i don't have. i suddenly felt really lonely, as i was driving towards church from my grandma's house. how do i have no mechanic-y people? i have artists and musicians and tradespeople and designers for weeks. why is this situation making me want to call the kinda guys that my willpower can usually keep me away from?

then i decided to stop making the moment poetic and to just try to solve the problem so i could get on with my road trip. so, as i pulled into the church parking lot, i ran into willie, who i explained the situation to. i told him that i feel like a pretty self-sufficient gal - i can pay own my bills (more or less), but this was one time when i needed to appeal to masculinity for some advice. willie's a frickin' genius. "take bear with you to the mechanic. and i think he knows one who repairs pastor's cars."

so i'm gonna work on that more this week, and i'll report back. i'll also post my travel plans. but for now, just let me say that i'm driving from Carlsbad to Canada from July 6 to July 19, and stopping in Santa Barbara, San Francisco, Redding, Portland, Seattle, Forks, Anacortes... and... who knows where else!

rythym of our lives

2009-05-04T01:03:00.000-07:00

there was a situation tonight in la jolla where i couldn't pull myself up onto a life sized fiberglass cow statue, so estelle reached out her arm to leverage me over the top. this was right across the street from where we'd spent the last hour rocking out to the best music you've ever heard. the cats jamming and jamming to the shwank tonight are some of my favorite people ever, and the music, the vibe, the zeitgeist of shwank is something i believe in.

i was asked some tough questions tonight, as we sliced through the night to get to the show on time. i've had a rough weekend, done some stupid things, and am trying to sort out conviction from self-loathing from guilt from restoration. and i'd like to learn some self-respect at some point, too. but right now, just like i've been doing with friends for years, i made a "new deal".

and things are moving in a good direction. shwank's going to be playing more often - keep an eye out for them. and i'm grateful for friends - jenni, estelle, cindy, janelle - who'll share the benefit of their P90X workout with me to help me up onto the cow.

sternum-level awesomeness

2009-05-04T00:19:00.000-07:00

i have found some good music lately & want to share it. you need to go buy these songs from iTunes (my recommendation) or add the artists to your Pandora rotation. they aren't necessarily new releases, but maybe new to me, or new to you, or need a re-listen...

Train Song - Ben Gibbard & Feist
Strange But True - James Hunter
Chariot - Page France
Open Water - Thrice
Break Me Out - The Rescues

vegan baking disaster

2009-04-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

stage fright

2009-03-26T23:29:00.000-07:00

tonight i enjoyed dinner with my favorite human being, finley. she's 15 months old now and growing so much every day. today, her mama mentioned something about stars, and she put down the spoon in her hand to point (she was very intentionally pointing) to her head, just above her ear. tammy, her mama, explained that she was making the motion for "how i wonder what you are," the second line of "twinkle, twinkle, little star". finley doesn't say more than 10 or so words right now (although she once said "hi stine", and there were several witnesses who will vouch for that), but she knows the song, can do all the motions, and even sings the words "up above" at the right time.

i got happy and sad watching her sing and dance in her highchair tonight. she's growing up so fast. i fast forwarded with tam, imagining her preschool performances. "will she still be cute when she says real words?", we wondered. i reckoned yes, because it will be a while before she can actually say them all right, and then, when self-awareness sets in, she might get nervous, and that will be cute. "nervous? her? she's such a glutton for praise!"

it's true. little finley cate, who goes by many names - her dad calls her "pretty girl", mom calls her "bug" or "bugaboo", i call her "favorite" (because she is), and everyone has fun adaptations of her given name - fin, fin-dizzle, fin-fin, f-star - charms anyone who meets her. she has a joyful belly laugh and her hair is always sweeping one way or the other, demanding commentary. she is willful as all getout but is, especially right now, always glancing over her shoulder for that affirmation from mom. the psychologists call it attunement, and it's her developmental stage. she needs that from mama. and she loves it from everyone else. she learned to clap early, i remember, and as soon as she did, it was as if she was asking for applause. her crowd, as it were, always responded (and continues to respond) obligingly - big claps that mimic the sign language for "praise" - and a chorus of, "yay, finley!"

just then, the most beautiful little girl came up to talk to finley, now climbing on (instead of sitting in) her highchair. she was 4, she told us, really eloquent, and her whole family, who appeared to be of eastern indian descent, stood behind her. she was so sweet to finley, but really wanted to get her to do a high five/low five combination that was just a little past her "twinkle, twinkle" routine. finley was more shy than usual, and kept focused on climbing higher on the chair than i was comfortable with, more or less ignoring the lovely girl. fin obliged her a few high fives, and a "bye" with a little wave as the girl and her family left.

"maybe she will be the preschooler who forgets the words and gets scared," i pondered, holding the highchair down with my foot so it didn't topple over under the uneven weight. tammy shook her head, laughing at favorite's meekness. "i know. she usually begs for attention like that!" i protected her head as she leaned over, almost completely out of the highchair, which i can still do with one hand. "so funny," i laughed as i leaned to keep her steady, "she finally gets what she's always wanted and she has no clue how to react. just like she'll do again when she's the star of the play at 7 years old."

there was a pause, and it felt like a hurricane had blown through my mind. a rain can cleanse and moisturise, and wind can blow away chaff, but this hurricane did both - an amazing combination of destruction & refreshment that left the sky clear in my conciousness. it must have registered on my face, becuase tammy stopped and said, "just like auntie stine at 26?"

jeremiah 17:9

2009-02-16T20:33:00.000-08:00

i sat down today to create something. since my trip, maybe since always, i've had a lot building up in my heart, and it comes out best on a canvas. i started the collage months ago, biting off of one i'd seen at nick's art show, back in november.

as i sat to work, i got a text message, and threw my head back and laughed. it's been a long time since i've done this, and back in the day, when you gave a boy your phone number, he would call you. alechhchcchhh. anyway, i finished the collage level without any real clue about what the next level would look like. by that time, he'd stopped texting & i was experiencing a wide range of emotions, including confusion, frustration & excitement, all bathed in a thin layer of self-loathing.

i know i have the potential to sabotage myself, and to double-back and undo any good that i've done just to... oh, i don't know, just to prevent myself, subconciously, from making a bigger mess, later. anyway, jeremiah's words popped into my head. the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. who can understand it?

for posterity: my myspace "about me"

2009-02-13T12:38:00.000-08:00

i am cancelling my myspace, because i don't like it nearly as much as facebook. but i spent so much time writing (& editing) my "about me" when i was 22, 23, 24, 25 that i thought i should save it. here it is:

I have been known to sleep in my roommate's bed when she's out of town. I have been told through tears that I deserve better. I have been sympathetic towards terrorists. I have been ill on the 10 yard line. I have been heart broken and I have been a heart breaker. I have been barefoot in a beautiful dress on the las vegas strip. I have been the voice behind the menu at 3 drive thrus in 2 counties. I have been left alone for too long. I have been impatient. I have been paid peanuts for hard work. I have been kissed at the stroke of midnight. I have been sick in a Moroccan bathroom. I have sobbed to my mother from across the ocean. I have been bold enough to speak up. I have been too scared to do the same. I have been blinded by the spotlights. I have been given an apple by a student. I have been the maid of honor. I have been the cutest girl in the room. I have been under-appreciated. I have been somebody’s favorite. I have been a blabbermouth. I have been begged to stay. I have been sorrowful about bad choices. I have been too broke to pay attention. I have been led on. I have been in a picket line. I have been so jealous I nearly left without him. I have been called the best teacher ever and the messiest frappucino maker ever. I have been tagged out at third. I have been persecuted for my morals. I have been awake all night. I have been wheelchaired and I have been a wheelchair. I have been so proud of myself. I have been given flowers I didn't want. I have been given artificial sweetener that melted my heart. I have been alone on the beach. I have been in a bar, in a bad neighborhood, in chicago, after closing time. I have been to the top of the Eifell Tower. I have been told through frightened eyes, "you will never be old". I have been dumped for a crazy girl. I have been halfway up the mountain with no clue where the trail is. I have been the other woman. I have been the last one on the plane. I have been clinically depressed. I have been in the VIP lounge. I have been the campaign manager. I have been the only responsible one. I have been lost in Florence. I have been nearly killed on a skateboard. I have been the first one to leave. I have been the number one fan. I have been places I shouldn't have been. I have been the peacemaker. I have been the girl the song is about. I have been the minority. I have been congratulated for my progress. I have been the resident of 7 cities. I have been the star of the show. I have been to an extremely shady bowling alley. I have been crucified with Christ. I have been complacent. I have been taken to meet the parents on a first date. I have been on time. I have been looked over. I have been tempted to forsake all my morals. I have been convinced to compromise. I have been prepared and polished. I have been the least talented in the class. I have been to 4 funerals. I have been told I’ve got the right figure for it. I have been called a bonehead by an 8-year-old. I have been frustrated by bad timing. I have been the one to blame. I have been second in the lineup. I have been ticketed twice in one week. I have been nearly scared to death in a taxicab. I have been fightin' mad. I have been on the winning team. I have been caught throwing game in the sound booth. I have been ridiculously naive. I have been in charge of the whole thing.

northwestern vacation, day one

2009-02-04T23:13:00.000-08:00

vacation: it's about time.
seattle dave: we met 3 years ago in a dive bar, here in seattle; it's kind of a shady story but it's worked out nicely; he lives in a re-vamped lutheran church with a bunch of artists in ballard.
iPhone: has google maps w. bus directions & is amazing. get one.

thoughts for today:

i don’t know how to evangelize. i honestly don’t know the “four spiritual laws”. and i also don’t spend a lot of time with people who aren’t christians (note: that’s not something that i like). i don’t know how to start a conversation with the intention of telling someone about Jesus. i don’t even know what telling someone about Jesus means. except, i just know who Jesus is to me. tonight, three people told me about their faith. specifically, they shared with me how they’d come to where they are now, which is not following Jesus. these conversations didn’t start because of anything i did. as i said, i don’t even know how to start those conversations, and i really like not knowing. my Jesus, as you know, is not canned, and frankly, He’s not easily explained. it’s kinda complicated, and as much as i’m violating my own beliefs by saying this, i don’t really like getting into it. it’s so volatile, faith is. so invasive. and i’m so much more concerned about my relationships with people than with HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR that you will not quickly find me asking someone about their spirituality. i will also point out that Jesus tended to be that way, himself. anyway, seriously, three people tonight launched into it with me, and it was great to share my side of the story – how i got to where i am in my faith. i was really pleased & encouraged by their open-mindedness – it was great to be listened to, and i felt like i was treated with the same respect i always intend to extend to others.

i love seattle. i love the musicians busking on the corner, i love the crazy alleyways that require you to back into diagonal parking spots, i love walking to a dive bar when it’s raining, i love the graffiti in the bus tunnel downtown, and i love that the neighborhood pub serves a mighty fine vegan artichoke sandwich.

vacation blogs.

2009-02-03T23:11:00.000-08:00

let me preface my vacation blogs by saying that I’m currently transferring all my thoughts into digital communication from a paper napkin. i regret not blogging as i was gone, but it was also good for me to not take my computer. i did, however, tweet, and i’m including those updates in the blogs. that having been said, I’m hoping that the poetry I lived while vacationing in the pacific northwest can be translated into writing. I honestly sit here, on my couch, in Carlsbad, feeling like my heart beats stronger than it did 9 days ago. I feel alive. and for that, I’m viscerally thankful to the great state of Washington.

(i am cheating and going to date this blog AS IF i wrote it last week, but don't be fooled.)

my sweet day off

2009-01-29T23:33:00.000-08:00

i usually like to write these poetic, soulful bits anthologizing my life (or, i try). but i just want to say, i had a really, really good day today.

i usually take mondays & fridays off (because i work weekends), but i ended up working a lot on monday, so stayed home today to offset those hours & avoid breaking labor laws.

so, i slept in, because i am in love with sleep. and it's a good love relationship - sleep is very faithful to me. i always feel better when i'm with sleep, and the love of sleep sustains me. alright, but you get it.

i am so grateful for my job for a zillion reasons: 1. some people don't have one at all 2. it almost pays my bills 3. i get to use my giftings every day 4. i have AMAZING health coverage 5. i sit at the feet of some of the greatest hearts & minds, ever 6. i learn a new skill daily, by necessity (techy stuff, design, how to fix a copier, accounting... i knew none of this a year ago!) 7. there's a symbiosis between church and physical nourishment - i'm always getting fed (i'm not being "spiritual". i mean food.) 8. i can't name everyone that i work with, but jordyn, seth, jung, and abby are constantly making me laugh 9. i get paid to study the Bible & give people opportunities to encounter God 10. i more or less choose my own hours which begets 11. i get to sleep in

so, as i was saying before i digressed - but i'm glad i did - it's so good to be thankful, i slept in. and i had coffee and a bagel in bed and i tinkered around on my computer and made a to-do list and i started my taxes and i read a book and then it was 2 and i decided to leave the house.

i swung into pannikin because jess was working. i walked around the store and, as always, picked up the wacky things she orders and sort of made fun of her. "who's going to buy this?", i ask. apparently, people buy it.

i met romero at the library where i did a few days of my revelation Bible study in the sunshine. the last few days have been so beautiful - the ocean's such a bright blue. the encinitas library has a huge, unobstructed ocean view, and we sat outside just soaking it all in. a woman even came by and took our picture for a magazine. (this is true.)

next was church... not church-work, but church. the green room - young adults - is the ministry i volunteer for. yeah, it's still at my work, but i don't get paid for it, i just like to help out. it was a great night. i don't get to be at church a lot - one of the pitfalls of the job - because i always have to run church. so tonight was a great opportunity to be at church. and it was a special night, too - a lot of challenges and new perspectives, and a definate spirit of revival.

anyway, that's all to say, it was a good day. a good day.

it's no one's fault that the cat died.

2009-01-18T23:04:00.000-08:00

i also struggled through some heart-complications tonight.

so grateful for the mrs. who helped me lay things out in perspective.

i wove myself an analogy comparing it to the loss of a pet.

if your cat died, you aren't going to run around blaming the cat. or blaming death. you don't necessarily mean to suggest, by your sadness or the general sucky feeling you're experiencing, that someone did something wrong or is to blame. but it sucks, and you're hurt, and you'll move on, but right now, it would be nice if someone slung their arm around you and said, "this sucks, i know."

i'm thankful, though, cause that's what sweet estelle did, and backed it up with a pint of california honey.

hi stine

2009-01-18T23:00:00.000-08:00

tonight was such a sweet night.

this was a long weekend - whenever abb is out of town, i cover the whole weekend for her. (don't worry - i'm paying her back in a few weeks when i get to split for seattle). 4 services is rough. i shouldn't complain - my worship band does all four lots of weekends, and mark does it every weekend.

anyhow, lots of little things had gone wrong in the first 3 services, so by the time sunday night rolled around, i was a little delirious, pretty tired, but in a good mood. i had my three favorite volunteers in the booth with me, and i knew my friends were all in the building enjoying the service.

like i do most weeks, i snuck down to the floor for the last few songs. vicky, beej, and the band were tearing it up - it was a really good service (and a great weekend) musically. i popped outside to catch up with someone and i saw sweet finley. she was tucked in her carseat, but laughed when i ducked down to say, "hi, favorite!" she says lots of "baa" sounds, and points to things and says, "see?". i've also heard her say "ni-ni" for "night-night".

so you can imagine my delight when she said, "hi stine!" from her little seat. it sounded more like "hi stee" but that is absolutely what she said. and it made my whole night. my whole life, maybe.